It's catching up to me. I'm hurting, and very, very angry. And, I'm trying to work with it. I know I have to do this, so that maybe I can go on to have a happy life, enjoying my A, and not wishing, at least not too much for things I can't have.
What I want is to be over it. I don't want to obsess over what I don't have, rage childishly over the goddamn unfairness of life, feel a freaking twinge everytime I see or even think of siblings close in age, or feel so empty. I do want to just accept it. Just accept that this is it, this is my life, and then I want to be happy. I want to feel okay when I have to see or hear anything pregnancy related. I want to be totally fine with A being my only, and not even think about what her and I don't have. I want to see things for newborns and think only, "A is too big for that", not "Christ, this hurts, why the hell don't I have my babies, why the hell can't I have another happy ending pregnancy?"
I'm fooling myself though. That I can just be there, automatically. But, I want it so bad. And even though I know I won't always feel like I do today, I can't imagine a time when I will have total acceptance, and that sucks. I hate, hate, HATE wanting what I can't have. Seems so pointless. It is pointless to wish you were someone else, someone else with a different story. That is what I have been feeling lately. Just wish I could be somebody, almost anybody, different.
I still entertain notions of trying again. Is that crazy? I have actually thought of discussing it with the doctor. (Guess I'd have to call her back to do that though, right?) But....with every thought of doing it again, it is followed by a thought of no, I can't do it again. And, I don't know what voice I should listen to. I guess the no voice. I mean, really, it just makes the most sense. And, I start to think, well, if I only have A, then it will be so fun, she will have all of me, no sharing attention, no not going to D.isneyland because the family doesn't have the money, no any of the things that happen because everything, time, money, desserts, have to be shared.
I find myself doing that, listing positive things about having and being an only child. It's my new hobby.
I'm scared. Scared to even really think about being pregnant again, scared to end it this way. Scared even just a strong wind will blow me over, and I won't be able to get back up.