Friday, November 6, 2009


It's catching up to me. I'm hurting, and very, very angry. And, I'm trying to work with it. I know I have to do this, so that maybe I can go on to have a happy life, enjoying my A, and not wishing, at least not too much for things I can't have.

What I want is to be over it. I don't want to obsess over what I don't have, rage childishly over the goddamn unfairness of life, feel a freaking twinge everytime I see or even think of siblings close in age, or feel so empty. I do want to just accept it. Just accept that this is it, this is my life, and then I want to be happy. I want to feel okay when I have to see or hear anything pregnancy related. I want to be totally fine with A being my only, and not even think about what her and I don't have. I want to see things for newborns and think only, "A is too big for that", not "Christ, this hurts, why the hell don't I have my babies, why the hell can't I have another happy ending pregnancy?"

I'm fooling myself though. That I can just be there, automatically. But, I want it so bad. And even though I know I won't always feel like I do today, I can't imagine a time when I will have total acceptance, and that sucks. I hate, hate, HATE wanting what I can't have. Seems so pointless. It is pointless to wish you were someone else, someone else with a different story. That is what I have been feeling lately. Just wish I could be somebody, almost anybody, different.

I still entertain notions of trying again. Is that crazy? I have actually thought of discussing it with the doctor. (Guess I'd have to call her back to do that though, right?) But....with every thought of doing it again, it is followed by a thought of no, I can't do it again. And, I don't know what voice I should listen to. I guess the no voice. I mean, really, it just makes the most sense. And, I start to think, well, if I only have A, then it will be so fun, she will have all of me, no sharing attention, no not going to D.isneyland because the family doesn't have the money, no any of the things that happen because everything, time, money, desserts, have to be shared.

I find myself doing that, listing positive things about having and being an only child. It's my new hobby.

I'm scared. Scared to even really think about being pregnant again, scared to end it this way. Scared even just a strong wind will blow me over, and I won't be able to get back up.


tootertotz said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. It does sound totally normal if there is any comfort in that, I know. I do believe that the pain will dull with's that acute pain that is so tough to take.

In any case, know that you are receiving thoughts and prayers from blog-land.

Monica H said...

I know I can't compare my losses to yours because our stories (and you and I) are so different. But I remember after Sam died I felt like my world had ended. In many ways it did. His dying was a complete shock to my system and I didn't know how to function. Then we got pregnant again with Jack and I swore things would be different--better. Then he died. In some ways it was harder for me because I felt even more empty than before and I felt help/hopeless. I didn't know how I'd recover and in some odd ways it wasn't so difficult because I knew what to expect. I had already been there.

It took a long time for me to feel like myself again. It's been almost 3 years since I was last pregnant and I've finally reached the acceptance stage of grief but I still long for my boys. I still miss them incredibly and it still stings when I see other pregnant women and newborns, and when I see boys about the same age as my sons should be.

I don't think that will ever change and you shouldn't expect yourself to not have strong feeling when it comes siblings and babies with the same name. You have to give yourself time, and plenty of it. You may never get over this but you can move forward. I wish you peace during your journey and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again- so incredibly sorry. I wish I could take away your pain.

Sending you a big hug and hoping you can feel it, Monica

Michele said...

Hon, it isnt something you "get over"... I know it hurts... It always will... Some days, I think we just get better at surviving the pain.

And I dont think it is nuts that you want to add another child to your beautiful family. Not crazy at all.

CLC said...

I wish you could fast forward to the acceptance phase too. I feel so horrible that you have to experience this acute pain AGAIN. I hope that you find some peace. You don't have to decide right now if you want to get pregnant again. Give yourself some time, and call the doctor back when you are ready. Big Hugs, Ms. G. I am so sorry to you and Mr. G.