Thursday, November 20, 2008

Time keeps on coming

It is that time of year again. Where I start to feel whispers of sadness doing the most regular things. Driving, shopping, while at work, my thoughts start to get crowded with M. The weeks before his birthday have proved so far to be my most difficult. The funny thing is, his actual birthday has never been that sad for me. I usually feel a sense of peace on that day. My theory is that is the one day of the year I get to openly talk about him and people don't seem to give off the uncomfortable vibe as much.

This year has the added element of having A around, plus her birthday, mere days after M's. I am so, so excited about her birthday. I can't help but wonder if some of that is just that I get to have a birthday party at all. I'm torn, I want to let myself feel my sadness, longing and aching for M, but I don't want A to ever feel a cloud of sadness over her birthday. This time of year is tough.

Last night, while driving home from work, I let myself shed a few tears. To and from work is really the only time I am alone these days and I find it to be a good time to let my thoughts give in to their sadness and want. I can't help but feel like M is a itch I will never get to scratch. I still desire with such strength his presence here with me, I desire wanting to know him better.

This time of year gives me the feeling of a heavy blanket of sadness that is wrapped over me.


CLC said...

Glad to hear from you! I have no words advice, just that I am thinking of you and I understand why this time of year is hard. Take care!

Julia said...

No advice here either. Just that I understand. A's due date is the day after Monkey's birthday. That weekend last year was tough for me.

Also, I actually don't think that being sad for dead babies takes away from the live ones, even around their birthdays. I get the feeling that Monkey would be weirded out if we didn't grieve her brother, even right next to her birthday-- she brought up A's due date herself, before and then the day after her birthday.

Monica H said...

So good to hear from you, I miss your writing.

I think whatever you do for their birthday will be perfect. Celebrate and mourn, that's what mothers do and don't feel badly for being excited about A's party. She is here because of M.

Thinking if you over the next few weeks and hoping peace finds it way to you. Happy Thanksgiving.