Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Blue

Not a good day. Sometimes it just all starts to come down on me. As the weeks go on down this pregnancy road, I don't feel better, I feel worse. I spend so much time checking to see if baby girl is still alive, it is almost sick. Our infant loss support group also offers support for subsequent pregnancies. At the last meeting I attended, I was reminded of this fact, in case I needed people to talk to. I do, I suppose, need the support, but I never reach out for it, because, well, what is there to say? "I'm scared", repeated 400 times? Cause that about sums it up.

I think I am in this funk right now because of my last doctor's appointment. She seems to be more positive than before, because, heck, everything is progressing "as it should be". What a switch, I feel worse, she feels better. My last appointment before I found out M died, was perfect. Nothing was wrong, nothing. Everything looked just right. Fluid, growth, cervix, heartrate. Just right. And he died anyway, just slipped away, when exactly, I don't know.

It also doesn't help that baby girl is not a regular mover. Or maybe I should say, I don't feel her in any regular way. Yesterday was one of the quiet days, and I was jumping out of my skin nearly all day.

I'm exhausted and sad.

9 comments:

Carole said...

I don't have anything brilliant to say. I'm thinking of you. Having a baby die changes our whole view on things. Sometime I get frustrated because others don't see that my fear is just so much greater from being on the recieving end of crappy statistics.

Wishing you as much peace as possible in the days ahead.
~Carole

Monica H said...

I'm thinking of you today and I am sorry to hear you are so blue. I pray the little moves around more to ease your fears. I hope your day gets better :)

Monica H said...

Hi Ms. G,
I thought since you have me on your blog list I should let you know I changed my blog address. Just click on my name and you can get the address from there. Hope all is well with you.

Monica

niobe said...

It seems like exhaustion, fear, and sadness come with the territory. I don't think there's any way to avoid them, but I'm very much hoping that you'll feel a little better soon.

Kristi said...

I feel ya! Yesterday I had a bad dream that something happened to Peanut & then URL, he decided to have a lazy day. I was on edge all day. Luckily I already had dr. appt scheduled so we were able to hear & see his heartbeat.

Everything was fine with my daughter too, but yet we lost her. I can't completely relax with this pregnancy.

spinarella said...

I, too, have spent the first months of this pregnancy waiting for that "other shoe" to drop. I also had a stillborn son in 2005 at 28 weeks, and a miscarriage at 9 weeks one year later (on my son's due date). The apprehension and anxiety seem to be the norm for those of us in this boat. Don't have any advice, other than this is your pregnancy, not your doc's, so do whatever you need to to feel some sense of security, and know that there's others out here going through similar events.

Kristen said...

I'm sorry you are feeling down. I don't really have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say I'm sending good vibes your way.

Do you have a doppler? I was just thinking it might make you more comfortable to hear your little one whenever you need that peace of mind.

meg said...

Thinking of you, Ms. G.

Monica said...

Boy do I know that feeling. It is so hard to be reassured when all you know is tragedy. I wish I could tell you to "just believe", but I couldn't do it. In fact, until the moment I heard Andy's cry I kept thinking something was going to go wrong. But I still had hope. THat's really all you can. I'm sending you super positive energy. I know you can do this!!

PS.. How far along are you now?