Not a good day. Sometimes it just all starts to come down on me. As the weeks go on down this pregnancy road, I don't feel better, I feel worse. I spend so much time checking to see if baby girl is still alive, it is almost sick. Our infant loss support group also offers support for subsequent pregnancies. At the last meeting I attended, I was reminded of this fact, in case I needed people to talk to. I do, I suppose, need the support, but I never reach out for it, because, well, what is there to say? "I'm scared", repeated 400 times? Cause that about sums it up.
I think I am in this funk right now because of my last doctor's appointment. She seems to be more positive than before, because, heck, everything is progressing "as it should be". What a switch, I feel worse, she feels better. My last appointment before I found out M died, was perfect. Nothing was wrong, nothing. Everything looked just right. Fluid, growth, cervix, heartrate. Just right. And he died anyway, just slipped away, when exactly, I don't know.
It also doesn't help that baby girl is not a regular mover. Or maybe I should say, I don't feel her in any regular way. Yesterday was one of the quiet days, and I was jumping out of my skin nearly all day.
I'm exhausted and sad.