Monday, February 24, 2014

Back here again

I had to do password recovery to get into here.  Not only that, but I became so confused because Google seems bound and determined to link up each of my emails.  (of which, I only have 2, but one is strictly for the use of google docs.)

I have wanted to come back and write here many, many times, but I truly just don't know how to make time for it.  I am homeschooling my lovely 6 (!!) year old daughter.  Having your child with you 24/7 gives new meaning to phrase "time management".   Meanwhile, I read homeschooling blogs with awe, "how do they do this?"  I wonder.  But I digress.

Shortly after I wrote my last post, I had a marriage blow up.  I want to say it was nothing serious, but if I am honest, it was serious to me.  Since then, we have tried to improve on our relationship, which, feels more time consuming than I think it should be, at times.  It's better.  But, I feel the pull of the negative feelings at times, and somehow, I always make a circle back into grief.

Pretty much anything that makes me sad, makes me circle those feelings all over again.  I am shocked how simplistic sadness is.  Sadness just feels like sadness.

I made a new friend.  I was so excited, because making new friends is not easy as an adult.  Or at least, not easy for me.  Maybe even more difficult since losing ~M~.  We had a small disagreement recently, and I can feel that some wind shifted and it isn't the same between us at this moment.  Today, I was thinking over the choices of  running and hiding and letting her come to me, or being more adult, and just directly asking her if things were going to be okay with us.

It made me feel sad again.  This is the kind of thing that just makes me so angry at grief.  Why must it punctuate everything?  When I am sad, I can't only get sad about the current thing, but I must drift into thoughts and feelings of losing babies, not having more babies, and wondering if I am to fault for my marriage and friendship troubles because, something has been terribly wrong with me since December 2005?

When I type this out, I can see how almost ridiculous it is, how whiny and self pitying. I cannot lie though, it it true.  This is the road trip my brain makes when things are not going well, when sadness makes my heart heavy.  Most of us in this boat have a very clearly defined before/after dynamic in our heads and mine includes a lack a trust in myself and my feelings.  After ~M~ died,  I lost my footing.  I wish I could say 8 years later I regained it, but I can't.  I feel as though I dug my heels in on a rock only to find the rock I chose was wobbly and imbalanced.

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