Broken Heart Diaries

Makes me wonder

2011-06-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was standing outside the mens bathroom. Mr. g and A were inside the bathroom. I stood next to the empty stroller. A woman walks by, laughs and says, "You lost your baby!!!" Ha, Ha she cackles as she walks away from me.

I startle a bit, and it takes me a moment to get it. I know she doesn't know she has done anything wrong, but suddenly, I want to run after her, grab her by the collar and shake her. I shake my head instead, confused about the behavior. I can't figure out why that is funny. She was probably in her forties, not some goofy teenage girl with friends.

Makes me wonder if I say things so lightly that shakes someone else to the core.

Fragility

2011-05-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

When Mr. G was 18, he got shot in the face. He was having an argument with his then girlfriend and for some reason, a block or so before they reached her house, he pulled over at the curb. As they continued to argue, a 14 year old kid walked up and said something through the drivers side window. Mr. G remembers feeling irritation due to the argument and rolled the window down and said, "what?" in a short tone. The kid pulled out a gun and shot him.

The thing that I would occasionally marvel at over the years of our dating was the fact that this event didn't seem to change Mr. G. He was open, trusting, comfortable with strangers even at the window of a car. I even remember commenting on this to Mr. G a few times. I always had to explain myself, he never quite understood why I found this so amazing.

"But didn't that frighten you? Make you want to be more cautious?", I would say.

"why would it?" he would calmly answer.

Even not having lived through that event, or even having lived through it as someone who knew Mr. G then, I knew an event like that would put a permanent change in me.

Somewhat like the death of babies did.

Now, I should qualify this story with a little known fact. Losing M did change Mr. G. He is now a bit slower to warm up, more cautious with friends and not in general, not as friendly, outgoing, open, trusting. But this change is very subtle, and most likely noticeable only to a select few. Getting shot at 18 couldn't do what losing M at 32 did.

My change is more severe and obvious. Its why I've spent way to much time over the past 5 years, and the certainly the past 1 1/2 years bemoaning my lost self, wishing her back with childlike fervor. Gone, gone, gone she is.

I was never open, trusting, unguarded the way Mr. G was and is. I was sweeter, less bitter, less angry, more hopeful, and way more tough. Now, in some ways to use the word tough and myself in the same sentence is laughable. Truly, I've never been tough, but really more tender. But, I don't think in all my life before, I ever felt as fragile as I have since December 15th, 2005. It rises and falls, sometimes feeling softer and harder.

It is one of the things I hate about this journey. The feeling that I cannot, will not be able to cope with another very bad thing. And I don't just mean the obvious and extremely feared very bad thing (I will have to do a whole post on that thing itself!) but I also mean the regular stuff. Like, my mom dying. If all happens as it should, she will die before me. I will join the ranks of adults everywhere who have already lost parents. But, I'm scared I won't cope well. Or I even think, what if something terrible happens to my siblings? I don't just mean death, I mean just something, anything bad.

I often feel I was born with a certain amount of resilience and I already used up my allotment. My daughter hasn't been sick too much (knock on wood! MUST knock on wood you know!) but when she has, I always feel this moment during her not feeling well of constriction, I can't breathe. My mind takes me places.....I can hardly bear my child having even a seasonal cold. I cover this, of course. I soothe, take temperatures, give medicine, hugs, snuggles, sit up at night with her, but my mind goes somewhere else. Can I cope? Can I survive this bump in my normal life. I feel unprepared, unqualified.....

I often hear people talk of bad events making them stronger. I'm glad for them, but that has not been my experience. My fragility is one of the lasting impacts of my losses, one on a list of "THINGS I'M STILL WORKING ON". The problem with this list is there seems to be no answer sheet at the back of the book. I fear that the things on this list are lifelong.

Silence and time

2010-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't post on M's birthday. Or A's birthday either. At the time, I was actually thinking of ending the blog. I guess I have decided not to do that. Yet.

Five. He should be five. Can it really be that long? How can it feel so long ago and yet, so close in time?

And three. Good lord, she is three! That just seems so fast to me.

Maybe that's what it is. When you are watching someone grow up, it seems so quick, one minute they are a newborn, then baby, then toddler, then big girl! But at the same time, when you are hurting over not getting to watch someone grow up, time drags and you think there will never come a day when it doesn't hurt.

It doesn't hurt. Not the way it used to. But I can still be totally surprised and taken aback by it when something happens that causes it to catch me in its waves again. Sometimes its obvious, like when a man lets his two year old wander outside my work causing the police to show up, and you look at his children, (were there 6 or 7 of them?) and you want to yell at God, "REALLY GOD? REALLY! this man gets to keep having kids he can't/won't watch and you can't let me have my kids!!!" But other times, it is really unexpected like when you are wrapping presents for your 3 year old, and you are happy and excited for another Christmas with her, and then you look at your wrapping paper and realize some of it (in fact, almost all of it) is over 5 years old, because until she came, you stopped wrapping very many presents. And in fact, barely even took out your Christmas stuff at all. You would just grab a cheap gift bag for the few presents you bought. Now, because your only child is maybe just a wee bit spoiled, you know you will go through the paper quickly. Suddenly, you are sad.

I'm not ending this blog yet. But I will have to mull over what I want to talk about. On one hand, I still have so much to say. On the other, I feel like everyone (even the internet) is tired of hearing about it, and thinks I should move on.

When it shouldn't matter, but somehow still does

2010-10-03T20:39:00.001-07:00

Here is the story. Mr. g's older brother had a long term girlfriend. They had a baby girl together. Our niece is now 12. Girlfriend was never "mom" material. She was never abusive or outright neglectful, (that I know of) just not really into being a mom. One famous family story about her is the moment they brought niece to mom after mom had c-section. The nurse held baby out, and girlfriend turned her head away. The nurse had to convince her to hold baby. Yes, go ahead and blame the drugs, the hormones, the nervousness of being a first time mom, but this attitude basically continued. It is hard to sit here and type the words that would describe it. She was just never "into it" and it was always fairly obvious. What probably saved her for years was the fact that she worked, and worked a lot, and my brother in law who I think basically did a lot of the basic child care. When you would watch girlfriend and niece interact, unless you knew them, I don't think you would know they were mother and daughter.

One of my personal memories took place when niece was about 8. We had stopped by their house to pick something up, and girlfriend and niece had just arrived home from the bookstore together. Girlfriend needed to go to the grocery store. Niece said, "oh! Can I come with you?" with all the hopefulness and desire to spend more time with mom. Girlfriends response? "No! I already did something with you today!" It was this way between them all the time. Or at least, all the times I witnessed. The way girlfriend was was a known and talked about topic in the G family.

Around this same time, girlfriend and brother in law were in the process of splitting up. This took some time as they owned a house together, had niece, etc. In fact, when M died, I was surprised to see girlfriend at the hospital, I thought they had broken up enough for her to miss solemn family moments. (And quite frankly, she and I were never best friends anyway). Brother in law of course, took custody of niece. There is no way this woman could parent by herself 24/7. Brother in law had conversation with mr. g about how girlfriend just wasn't like them, she was raised differently, etc. (actually, I think her childhood was pretty screwed up) He had tried to help her improve with niece, but it just wasn't working. After the split was final, it seemed like girlfriend and niece's relationship improved. I thought the fact that they didn't live together was to credit for that. You can put up with anyone if it is only little bits at a time. Girlfriend found religion, married a church man.

Today was mr. g's birthday. This birthday started out so much better than last year, when pregnant with a dead IZ, waiting for my procedure to free him, we couldn't stomach a party and sat in a Denny's restaurant for breakfast with his family, the one thing we let them do for us. Today, we had the family over, we were outside. I was feeling some stress, but was dealing okay. I was several feet from the party, helping A fill up her water table. I overheard it.

Niece telling family her mom was pregnant.

Dramatic as it sounds I reacted the way some people do to news of a death. For a moment, the world froze, then moved again in tilt. A roar rushed my ears and I felt like I had dived deep into the ocean where all you hear is the sound of water moving. A broke it out of me, by asking a question, which she had to repeat before I shook it off and could answer. I composed myself, sat quietly with A for a few moments before finally rejoining the party to fix a plate of food.

I did okay. I really did. Not in my head, but on the outside.

Later, on a walk we took after the party, I brought it up with mr. g. A feat in itself because "Other Peoples Pregnancies" is sometimes on our list of Things We Don't Talk About. But we did, and I found myself sniveling down the street.

The thing is, WHY does this bother me so much?* I told mr. g, it is like caring when your ex-boyfriend starts dating someone else. IT isn't about you. It is his life. Quit letting other peoples lives bother you. But it brought me back, back to the place. Life isn't fair. Boo Hoo. Didn't I already know this? Haven't I spent five, FIVE years trying to make peace with that fact? And this one piece of news sends me down there like a junkie finding out there is free smack at the grocery store.

And, I go back to these feelings. Why me? I start to think I MUST have done something to deserve what happened.** Even though, in logical moments I say I don't believe that.

I always feel like such a child. Why don't I just stomp into a church and kick my feet and demand that God give me an answer? It would serve just as much purpose.

At one point in the conversation, I told mr. g, I feel like I should talk about it when I feel this way, because clearly this is where my mind is, but what is the point? Besides, what would I say? Just repeat "life isn't fair" over and over until I was hoarse? He mentioned that he feels these feelings too, but then just tries to think of A, and feel lucky for her, focused on her. I told him I do that too, in these moments and everyday moments, but frankly, I'm getting sick of that advice. I mean really, I am getting so bitter when people tell me, "then you must be so grateful for A" Ummmm....yeah, but I don't see these same people telling the woman with all 3, 5, 7 of her kids that she should feel grateful for kids. Do you only have to feel lucky and grateful if some of your kids died? And you only get to feel bitter and angry if you have all of your kids? Yeah, totally makes sense.

So there you have it. I'm not proud of what I feel, I only know that I feel it. Isn't life SO unfair?

Make me feel better. Just agree with me. Don't tell me to be happy, okay?

Prayer for tonight? Please God, tell me I won't feel this way the rest of my life. Help guide me toward peace.

*One of the non selfish reasons it bothers me is the thought of this woman being responsible for another soul out in the world. My heart broke many a times over the years as I watched her and niece together. Its sad to think the cycle will be starting again.

**I'm still sitting here struggling with feeling like I must have done something to deserve it somehow. I guess the road to accepting life doesn't make sense is longer and harder than I ever thought.

When 1 + 3 doesn't = 4

2010-09-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

One of the strange side effects of having dead babies is the awkward way they come up even when you are not talking of their death.

Like, when people are rehashing pregnancy memories. And you have this great story about craving watermelon like a crazy woman, and then directly after eating it, you ran to the bathroom to throw it up, and after that, you couldn't even look at watermelon in the grocery store for months.

And everyone laughs and some comment is made in reference to this story being about your living daughter, and you say nothing and let them think that even though the story was about your son. Except you don't mention that because this is a laughing moment and nothing kills that like mentioning your dead baby.

Even though you hate that, because it isn't fair. I mean, you were pregnant with him, and did give birth to him and you have some comments or stories to tell that sound like everybody else's, at least, until the end.

Sometimes when you are talking you let everyone think you only recall your living daughters' pregnancy stories, and you never even say, "well, I remember the first time I was pregnant...." or even, "oh, yeah, 2005, I was pregnant so I didn't drink that beer that made everyone else sick" or whatever the story or reference may be.

You find yourself starting stories like, "well, when I was pregnant...."as though you were pregnant only that one time, yes sir, one time only. You never make it sound plural, like more than 1 case of morning sickness, 1 case of constipation, 1 hospital stay, 1 pregnancy total.

Except for finally, today. When you were feeling strong. When you are feeling, (this week at least) that you are sick of almost hiding them. When you are feeling you might need to start mentioning them again.

And you say, in reference to story about being weak or strong of stomach, "I had a strong stomach till my first pregnancy, after that, I got much more disgusted by things like throw up"

And even though it was this minor detail, this minor thing adding that first to the story, you feel strong and proud of yourself and you feel a small weight of burden lift off your shoulders.

Expectations

2010-09-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today, I feel sad. And I hate it.

I feel sad more than anyone knows though. I don't know who to talk to anymore. The other day, I mentioned something to my mom, who has been my most patient and non-tiring listener. I said it, and then....the conversation died. I couldn't help but feel that even with her, I've used up my talking about it time.

The funny thing is, that since IZ died, I really haven't talked about it much. Partly from me, because truthfully, it hurts so much that denial seems like exquisite relief, but also because nobody really asked. I think everyone thought I was already a pro at the grief stuff. I can't help but feel every one's tiredness with my whining. Even here, my supposed outlet, I don't let it out fully. After all, I have A. Why can't I just appreciate that and quit being sad about what I don't have?

I wish it were that easy for me.

It has been almost a year since IZ died, and I really, really wish I felt better. I've been reading this memoir about a woman with a drinking problem. She was very functioning and was successful at her job. She has long paragraphs in her book about about her outside life, the one everyone saw, and her inside life, the one she was dealing with. I couldn't help but see myself in those descriptions even though I don't drink.

I think I'm a good mother. I do all the things you are supposed to do. And I do laugh and have a good time with A. Sometimes though, maybe every couple of weeks, I feel like I could be so much more. More happy, more joyful, more patient. I want my outside to match my inside more often than it does.

This post over at Glow in the Woods about the grief vs. depression question struck a strong chord in me. Honestly, I think I could use some help this time around. But, my visit with a therapist after M died left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and I can't quite seem to move on from it. I'll try to sum it up quickly.

After barely talking to me, I got sent to a prescribing doctor who quickly gave me anti-depressants. The therapist kept calling M a miscarriage. Someone from the office accidentally put down that I was there for bi-polar disorder, a label on my chart that followed me through several other doctor appointments, even though I kept calling and asking them to fix it. I quit going, quit the anti-depressants even though the doctor, kept telling me I needed them. (in hindsight, I don't think I did at all, it was just grief) On my first doctors appointment for IZ, I saw the bi-polar label. I called once again was assured that it was removed. At the next doctors appointment, sure enough, the computer screen was clear. Then, when IZ died and I got sent to an outside clinic to remove him, the nurse practitioner says, "how is your bi-polar disorder?" I take a look at the paper copies of my medical chart they were sent, and there it is, once again. I still haven't sorted that out.

Whew. There you have it. On top of that, I keep thinking, well, what the hell can they do anyway? They can't solve it. So.....what's the point? Even though I know those thoughts don't help me either.

I go through long periods where I can quickly think of all the reasons A is lucky to be an only child. All the pluses. But then I have a week or two where I just can't accept what's happened, and I am miserable. In those weeks, I think all the time I was feeling better were fake. I was only pretending.

Tell me, how can anyone, any drug make this seem better for me? It happened. I have to live with it. Somehow. Sometimes I can't figure out how. It sucks, but maybe this is just my life.

Maybe a drug would give me little more pep in the morning. Make it easier to deal when things got a little rough, like when A gives me such a hard time about brushing her teeth or changing her diaper. Because sometimes it feels like every ounce of energy goes towards feeling okay
and I don't have anything left for those normal bumps in life. Maybe a drug would help me feel more real joyful and not so forcing it joyful.

And, round and round my mind goes.

What is the right answer? What should be my expectations at this point in the journey? My expectations for people listening to my pain? My expectations for happy?

I can't figure it out.

Because now I am on the lookout for this

2010-07-22T17:13:00.001-07:00

Time recently published this article on only children. Honestly, I think it could have been more in depth. Two things I didn't like were that the author was still technically undecided about having more kids, and that, of course, they didn't profile or even really talk about people who through no real choice of their own are having only one.

Clearly, this is a hot button topic for me. And, I actually have more to say on it, but no time right now. So, read it and tell me what you think. I should admit that I did not read the comments, because, quite frankly, I didn't have the nerve. I was afraid I would hear too many negative things about having an only.

And, on another note, my boss left this magazine article in my box at work with a note, saying, "read this and tell me what you think". She herself is the mother to one child, a son, now in young adulthood, though she had one child by choice. (Although, her husband was murdered when her boy was about 4, so...who knows what would have been had he lived? yes, sometimes we like to make inappropriate jokes about how bitter we are) Again, I would like to share my thoughts, but maybe in my next post, given my limited time today. But, please, I would love to hear what others think.

I've never had a problem on my blog before, but just in case, lets keep it nice and respectful, K?

This helps

2010-04-25T23:54:00.001-07:00

Me and A, taking silly pictures of ourselves, which by the way, is so totally worth all the unattractive photos of yourself you will end up with.

Same road, different view

2010-03-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

"Hi, I'm ms. g, and I have 2 dead babies."

It feels this way sometimes, like a 12 step meeting, and I have face facts that I, do in fact, have 2 dead babies. Because sometimes, I just honestly don't believe it. Sometimes, I can't believe that A made it. I want to ask her, what was her secret? How did she survive the disaster that is my body/womb?

Grief, the second time, can be so familiar on one hand, and yet, other times I am navigating in dark, new terrain.

You know that feeling that many of us have when our babies die? That we are the only ones this has ever happened to, that no one really understands us? I have that much worse now. So many people who had a loss around the same time as I lost M, have gone on to have the second after loss baby. And even those who haven't, still consider having another. I have not met very many people who are done through circumstances not their choosing. Then, there is A. I do have A, so I don't really fit in much with people who do not have their after loss baby yet. On top of that, when talking to people whose loss is new and they are trying again, I feel almost guilty telling my story. Hey! Here is something else to add to your worries, it CAN happen again, and you have living proof sitting right in front of you!!

As for the "regular" people, well, when I lost M, I thought they could make it difficult to grieve openly, because you know, they just didn't get it. Now, in hindsight, I think they were generous in their permission. Now, I get the, "Well, at least you have A", "Be thankful for A", "Just enjoy A", and my favorite, "Maybe god only meant for you to have A" (yes, this was actually said to me, although not by someone close to me, and I was able to roll my eyes and move on instead of falling apart) Sometimes, I find myself agreeing with them. When I forget to be kind to myself, I berate myself with negative messages about how I am not enjoying A enough, I am so busy being sad about what happened to me. When I remember kindness to myself, I can remind myself that I have the right to be sad, and that in fact, I can do both simultaneously, enjoy A and wish it were different.

It's hard to feel like I am back to being the neediest person I know. When you are going through loss, it can feel like you take, take and take some more from the people you are close to. You don't have much to give. That is okay, once. But, it can start to feel selfish when you are there again a mere 4 years after the first time.

Remembering two babies often feels too sad to me. When M died, I loved all the memorials to him. The pictures in my house, the jewelry, etc. Now, that stuff seems exhausting and too depressing to contemplate. I had a bracelet with M's name on it. Now I have an image of a woman with an armful of bracelets crawling up her arm. This feeling seems to be changing a bit with time. (don't they all change with time?) I have been considering getting a pencil portrait with my 2 boys together and putting that in house, and only that, as my one single remembrance of my lost family. Haven't really decided yet. I don't want to forget them, (is that even possible?) but the urge to focus exclusively on A is strong.

I'm navigating everyday the best I can.

WHEN?

2010-03-11T16:17:00.001-08:00

When will I feel better than I do today?

When can I stop have crying jags in front of my daughter?

When will I stop feeling like the worst mother in the world?

When will I feel real joy again? Without effort?

When will A sleep again so I can wake up feeling like I'm starting the day at least at a 3 instead of 0?

When will I not have overwhelming anxiety?

When will I be able to visit a doctor and not be assaulted with memories of all the bad news?

When will I feel like I am strong enough to handle my grief and a 2 year old?

I know I can't be the old me, but I need to be a better me for my daughter, when will that happen?

When will I stop having so much fricking guilt over everything, including my parenting, that if guilt were calories, I'd weigh 500 lbs.?

When?

Unqualified

2010-03-01T06:47:00.000-08:00

If you have a blog, that I have previously commented on, and you are pregnant, and lets just say you have noticed I have not commented much, or at least, not commented on any posts regarding your pregnancy, well, you may be right.

Of course, I have been avoiding talking about pregnancy from the normal people. I think we all have all done that. In fact, at work, a co worker's girlfriend is pregnant, and it was a topic at work the other day. He is young, still in college, the pregnancy was unexpected, etc., etc., so that was part of the conversation. I was doing a good job of not getting involved. Until later, when something about motherhood came up, and my boss, said, "you know, O got his girlfriend pregnant". I put on my game face, said, "yeah, I heard". And, I swear people, I really, really thought I was doing a good job, but I saw a look on her face and felt the retreat of conversation happen, and I thought, SHIT, does it really show that much? Does the painfulness of that type of conversation just wash across my face even when I am trying my hardest to be normal?

It took me a bit of time to realize that I was also avoiding pregnant after loss people. It took me a bit of time to admit that even from the those people, the news hurt. I felt like a bad person.

The path I walk now is so completely different than when M died. After M died, I still had a little thing we call hope. Hope, that one day, I would be pregnant again, and have a living child. Hope, that my family would still grow. Hope, that I could heal and maybe actually, GASP! talk about pregnancy and birth stories without wanting the floor to swallow me whole.

POOF! That's hope, going up in smoke.

Let us take a moment to address what I know some of you may be thinking. I know I have A. I know I did in fact get to have a normal pregnancy with a healthy living child. I know this. I know I am blessed beyond belief. I did to get to experience some normal feelings and talk about pregnancy like a semi normal person after having A. Believe me, it was fantastic while it lasted. I am just talking about some specific issues right now. I am not in any way diminishing my experience getting to have A.

To those of you pregnant after loss, I'm sorry. It isn't you, it's me. It does hurt, because I wish I still had those chances on my horizon. I feel the need to say though, that I figured out it isn't just hurt that stops me. I am unqualified to speak. Let's face it. Do you really want to hear what I have to say about it? Me, who lost again? There have been a few times when I read a pregnant after loss post, totally intending to comment and then, my tongue ties. What shall I say? It's like being interviewed for a position as a rocket scientist. I got nothing. Nice meeting you, thanks for the interview, let me let you get back to talking to the qualified people, the ones who still have hope, and have more to say than I do, that can launch a rocket to the moon.

So, that is it. Can I make a blanket, wish you well, and leave it at that? Because, you know I DO wish everyone well.

I can't seem to learn how to accept this. And yes, I know there are other women out there, who ended up with one child, or even no child, or like me, just ended their childbearing in such a negative way, but some days, it can feel like I am the only one.

This post feels a bit self pitying. I get tired of my own whining. On the other hand, I hate that I feel like I need permission to feel bad. God, I am so screwed up.

In Due Time

2010-01-26T20:26:00.001-08:00

Today is M's official due date. Of course, just 2 or so weeks before his death we found out he was a dwarf, so he was to be a schedule c-section about a week before. After his death, I really didn't place a lot of importance on today, although of course, I would have a passing thought of him and his pregnancy. Today doesn't make me sad, but perhaps wistful, a reminder of a regular life, a regular time, when I still felt whole and normal, and pregnancy wasn't scary. Believe it or not, I actually thought I would have him later, as I come from a long line of woman who have overdue babies.

IZ was to be due on February 15th, 2010. That, of course is the 40 week mark. The 40 week date is for other woman, who don't have anxiety attacks at the very thought of leaving a baby in there that long. So while I was pregnant, I thought he would actually come sometime this week. If things were different, I would be 37 weeks and 2 days today. I think a part of me hoped he could be born this day, and that would be his connection to M. Their connection ended up being death. This might have been too early for the likes of my doctor, as she reluctantly gave me the choice of 37 weeks and 5 days as my earliest choice for A's birth. And, as we all know, I took it. So IZ most likely would not have been born today, but I know most likely this week.

Yes, it has been a very, very tough week.

I didn't know I had this much grief in me. You would think I would be a seasoned pro at this dead baby stuff. Not so much. I want to rush past this, "I should be....." time.

To add to my sorrows, A has had a very tough time sleeping lately. Which means I have had a tough time sleeping. I spent this last week more exhausted than I think I ever was her first weeks. I haven't been the best mother these last few days. Sleeplessness, grief, stress, two year old normal behavior, take your pick, I could blame any one of these. I could write a whole post, maybe a book on the complicated feelings of not being your best with your living child and how that inevitably leads you down a path of darkness where you think perhaps you don't deserve her, and maybe you deserve not to have the children you don't.

But last night was better, both sleep wise and in my determination to reach a zen calm of motherhood. Both A and I woke more rested (though, not perfectly), but more importantly, with joy in hearts for calm evening we had.

I miss them. I miss me. I have picked up the phone to call a therapist a hundred times and never touched a button. I know I need something, but it doesn't seem like anyone can actually provide it.

Maybe I will call. Soon. In the meantime, I have been dabbling in practiced calmness. I have been trying a little meditation. (though I am more than novice) And I have been thinking of trying some alternative healing besides talk therapy. Any suggestions welcome.

My good night with A healed me for now. Neither M nor IZ is here, and one day I will feel more at peace with that than I do on this due date.

My prayer for now-

Help me get through these weeks with as much calm as I can muster

Like Today

2010-01-15T14:21:00.000-08:00

I wish I could describe what my life is like. Except, I can't. It is so filled with swinging emotions from minute to minute, day to day. I can go from laughing and enjoying A, sad and heavy, grumpy and frustrated, peaceful, and on and on all in a matter of 24 hours.

Like today. I was looking forward to today, because I have been working every Friday, (instead of my usual every other Friday) and I was looking forward to more time with A this week. But when I woke, I felt sad and weighted down by the circumstances of my life. I had been dreaming, another "regular life" dream where in the dream I felt normal again.

What can really complicate it is the incredible amount of guilt I feel about feeling sad and less than happy. I look at A and think, "how could I not feel happy?" or least happy 90% of the time? Also, I think about terrible tragedies like what is happening in Haiti, and I feel guilt that I could ever sit and not be able to count my blessings.

Many days, those things do work. I find taking care of A to be an almost soothing ritual that calms me frequently, and, I am often able to think of people who have had horrible tragedies and remember to feel lucky for what I have. Some days, it doesn't work. Like today.

Making Friends

2010-01-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

"Don't you also have a son?"

A falter, a misstep, a hesitation of some sort must cross my face, because before I can answer, I see her retreat, confusion crossing her face.

"No, just my daughter", but it is too late, the innocent conversation has become awkward for a beat, I feel something like embarrassment coming from her. She doesn't know what she did, just that she did something.

Thankfully, we move on in mere seconds, though it feels longer. We continue to talk about reading to our daughters, hers just a few months behind A. That, and the fact that I like her, has made me try to reach out more to her when I see her. Maybe we can be friends, I think. God knows I need those.

Maybe not. The short hiccup in our conversation leaves me feeling exhausted, reminded of how strange and different I am. I don't even know how to answer simple questions anymore.

I watch her walk away a few minutes later. Feeling sad, I try to remind myself, one day, this will feel easier than it does today. At least, I hope so.

Two

2009-12-19T09:35:00.000-08:00

How is she already 2? Happy Birthday A!!

Four

2009-12-16T05:01:00.000-08:00

I feel strangely silent this year. Nothing I say says as much as this - I wish he was here.

Happy Birthday, M.

Channeling Jackie

2009-12-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

I was struggling at work the other day, and I started to think about Jackie Kennedy and her losses. I knew her last loss was a premature baby, and I started wondering how premature he was. I googled, and came up with this interesting piece. (I'm also wondering how far along she was with her stillborn daughter if anyone knows) It might sound strange, but often when I am having a hard time, I think of other people, who have hurt like this, and go on thriving, not just surviving. Of course, who really knows what private demons Jackie faced, but it helps me to reminded that you can go on, and maybe not be so bitter that it oozes out of you, repelling everyone you know.

The article says her baby Patrick was 5 weeks early. In this day and age, it doesn't seem like much does it? He was 4 lbs. 10 oz. when he was born, just about a pound or so more than M weighed. What was Jackie thinking when she realized she was going into labor? Did she have some small sliver of hope or did she already feel resigned to the possibility of tragedy given her other losses? I have to admit, I felt resigned to it, when I started to strongly suspect that this baby wasn't well. Of course, somewhere in the far, far back of my heart, I wanted to be wrong and have hope, but.....I already knew the truth. Babies do die, that fact doesn't shock me the way it did with M.

Did I ever tell the details of finding out with this last baby? I was scheduled for a special ultrasound. I just could not shake the feeling of dread a few days before my appointment. As soon as we got into the room, I mentioned my feeling. The u/s tech didn't exactly pooh-pooh me, but she said it was normal, given my experience. She turned on the machine and started to measure his head. I said, Can we please just check his heart? But I'm not sure why I asked, he already seemed to be too quiet. I KNEW. I knew before the u/s tech did, because I KNOW these things happen, and that a mother's dreadful feelings are not always just a product of fear, but a product of knowledge that can't be taught, but only learned through broken hearts and tears. So she moved the wand a bit, and I honestly think she thought she was going to be able to laugh teasingly at my feelings and reassure me. But the picture on the screen quickly shoved that giggle back down her throat. I KNEW. I didn't really need her to show me, except to verify what I felt so strongly.

Is that what happened to Jackie? When she felt those first stirrings of labor did she panic, or just prepare herself for more heartbreak? When her baby was born alive, was hope born again for Jackie as well? Did she start to think maybe there was a chance this baby was coming home?

And later, how did Jackie cope with all those other Kennedy babies? Not to mention whomever else she was around that was still having babies. We have friends who are planning to start trying next year. I have no idea how I will get through that. About 9 or 10 years ago, I had 2 friends who were die hard childless by choice women. What I wouldn't give for some friends like that now. Did Jackie ever wonder about the family she should have had? Did she ever feel bitter about the toll physically of multiple pregnancies but not as many children to show for them? My body certainly looks like I should have more children in my home. And it isn't just weight gain, its something else altogether. My hair isn't as shiny, my teeth not as white, I look tired enough for 4 pregnancies and 3 children in 4 years, but when you step into my home, only A's presence greets you. Though I am sure no one ever thinks this much about me, sometimes I wonder if people don't get my rundown looks, my tiredness, you know, considering I only have one child.

It might sound silly to some, but thinking of her, I did get through my work day okay, and I went home with positive thoughts of my future with only A, and the pure enjoyment I get when I am with her. I am a roller coaster ride of varying emotions, but I am working very hard at making a happy life with what I have got.

Don't you sometimes just want to say the crazy thing?

2009-11-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

I took A to the bay today for a little walk, and some playtime on the playground area. We were having a great time, partially because we had the whole area to ourselves for the most part. As a side note to this post, I have to say, one of the hardest things about mothering for me, is other peoples children. I never know how much attention they should be paid when they start trying to hang out with your kid on the playground. Not to sound unfriendly, (but lets face it, I am) when I go somewhere like that with A, I just want to enjoy hanging with her and playing with her, I don't want to worry about somebody else's kid.

For a short while, there was a little girl and her younger brother there. I would say the girl was about 5, maybe 6, and the boy just a year or two younger. (I swear, the close in age siblings are everywhere) I was honestly paying them no mind, when the little girl decided she wanted to play with A. She starts doing the hanging around too close to you thing. I didn't really respond unless she really pinned me down, forcing me to say something to her. As A is so much younger than her, she really wasn't too interested, but more interested in continuing her quest to climb things that make her mom hyperventilate. The little girls mom started calling her, telling her it was time to leave. The little girl was talking up a storm, about some imaginery story/world she made up. The mom smiles at me and says, "She has an vivid imagination" I smile and give one of those Ha Ha's and continue paying attention to my child. Then the mom says, "thats why I have 2, so they can play together" I give the same response as before. I decided it might be just a tad weird to say, "well, I don't have 2 (or 3) because my babies just keep dying on me!! Have a nice day!"

Well, at least I make myself chuckle in my own head.

Hurting

2009-11-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

It's catching up to me. I'm hurting, and very, very angry. And, I'm trying to work with it. I know I have to do this, so that maybe I can go on to have a happy life, enjoying my A, and not wishing, at least not too much for things I can't have.

What I want is to be over it. I don't want to obsess over what I don't have, rage childishly over the goddamn unfairness of life, feel a freaking twinge everytime I see or even think of siblings close in age, or feel so empty. I do want to just accept it. Just accept that this is it, this is my life, and then I want to be happy. I want to feel okay when I have to see or hear anything pregnancy related. I want to be totally fine with A being my only, and not even think about what her and I don't have. I want to see things for newborns and think only, "A is too big for that", not "Christ, this hurts, why the hell don't I have my babies, why the hell can't I have another happy ending pregnancy?"

I'm fooling myself though. That I can just be there, automatically. But, I want it so bad. And even though I know I won't always feel like I do today, I can't imagine a time when I will have total acceptance, and that sucks. I hate, hate, HATE wanting what I can't have. Seems so pointless. It is pointless to wish you were someone else, someone else with a different story. That is what I have been feeling lately. Just wish I could be somebody, almost anybody, different.

I still entertain notions of trying again. Is that crazy? I have actually thought of discussing it with the doctor. (Guess I'd have to call her back to do that though, right?) But....with every thought of doing it again, it is followed by a thought of no, I can't do it again. And, I don't know what voice I should listen to. I guess the no voice. I mean, really, it just makes the most sense. And, I start to think, well, if I only have A, then it will be so fun, she will have all of me, no sharing attention, no not going to D.isneyland because the family doesn't have the money, no any of the things that happen because everything, time, money, desserts, have to be shared.

I find myself doing that, listing positive things about having and being an only child. It's my new hobby.

I'm scared. Scared to even really think about being pregnant again, scared to end it this way. Scared even just a strong wind will blow me over, and I won't be able to get back up.

Faking It

2009-11-04T23:15:00.000-08:00

The email I opened today:

You still out there??? It has been forever since we talked. Last I heard you had bought a house and (mr g.) was working really hard to get it ready for you all to move in. That must have been 6- 8 months ago! How is A? How are you?

I am pregnant again. :) Due in May. H (her daughter) just had her 1st birthday. Time is flying.

Love,
(a friend)

My reply?

Hi (friend),

I only have a sec, (at work) but I just wanted to say Congrats! on your pregnancy and a BIG GIANT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! to H.

Love, ms. g

I didn't tell her. And I don't know if I'm going to.

What the dreams mean

2009-10-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

Let me start this post by saying thank you for all the supportive comments, and thank you, Tash and Coggy, for checking on me. As we all know, life doesn't stop just cause you're hurting, and my reason for not posting again sooner is my usual. Little Miss A has a heck of a time letting her mom have a turn on the computer. I am so glad we decided to put it in the 3rd bedroom when we moved to this house, as we can close the door and she can forget all about the computer.

I'm not exactly sure what to talk about or where to begin. I'm sitting here again, but it does feel very, very different. I'm terribly sad, yes, but for some reason, I feel unable to address it or even talk about really. Am I in denial? Maybe, but I can't seem to stop myself. Plus, I have a little person to care for, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for one to mull over her hurts. I did have a bad day yesterday. I think it was because my doctor called to talk to me. It was just a message, but for some reason, I felt frozen by it. That is why I think I must be in denial. Its like I just can't GO THERE. If I talk to the doctor, then I have to talk about what happened, and what is the point of that, I think to myself.

When I am feeling bad, I keep thinking it would be so much healthier if I would just CRY already, you know? But instead, it is just the deep sinking feeling of all out misery that hits me. Oh, and anxiety, that something will happen to A one day and any reason I have for going on will cease to exist. The two most likely go hand in hand because my misery sets in usually when I have to leave her to go to work. So, in my 20 minutes of alone time while driving, I try to let myself feel bad, because I know in the end it is FOR THE BEST, but in creeps anxiety as I drive further away from my sweetie. I want to be one of those people that lost, and so goes on saying, "LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST!" you know, without worry, just enjoy A. Reality is, I am not one of those people, at least, not right now.

I seem to be doing a bit better FACING IT, than I was, as I finally told my family the baby's name. At first, I cringed inside when they used it, but I seem to be getting better at hearing it roll of someone else's tongue. I myself have only said it about 3 times. Can't do that yet, can't speak his name out loud for goodness sakes, and ADMIT that I lost another baby.

Oh yeah, the admitting. I went to the support group this month, thinking I needed it again. But when I got there, I realized I didn't want to tell anyone. Could only think, "I am going to freak out all the people who have had only one loss and still have hope for a living child" I am a freak, even among the dead baby mamas now. Or at least, that is how it feels. And that feels lonely. I did go, and I did say the truth. And even though I left feeling angry and bitter, and planning never to go back, a week has made all the difference, because I can FEEL that those 2 hours released something in me and made it better somehow.

I had a dream the other night. In the dream, Mr. G and I were getting ready, for a night on the town, or maybe an event like a wedding, I couldn't tell. We were freshly showered, feeling like we looked polished and ready. We ended up having sex in the dream, before we left. And then the dream ended. It wasn't a sex dream, I realized as soon as I woke. It was a dream filled with a reminder, of an easier time, when spontaneous sex was still on the menu, and I laughed with ease at being in a social situation. I know what I long for. The ME I was BEFORE. The one who still believed the future was rich with possibility. Many of us know the envy feeling, the one we get when we see the carefree pregnants, or the mother of the kids we SHOULD have. But, the other day I saw a young girl, maybe college age, standing in a group of friends, chatting and laughing. And for a moment, I wanted to BE her, still young, and fresh. I could only think, "she still thinks one day she will have babies with ease" And I want that again. When life wasn't full of hurts, shock, and disappointments. And yes, by wishing away everything, it sounds like I am wishing away A too, for of course, she is part of the equation. But I try not to waste too much guilt on that. I know, as I hope you do, that it really has nothing to do with A, just my own feelings of trying to find my way on a road I didn't even know existed, much less that I would be on it. It some ways, it does strongly have to do with A, because I cannot describe the worry I feel about providing a happy home for her, filled with laughter. And I cannot tell you how many times I wonder what kind of parent my children would have gotten, if only.....who would I be as mom if I had never lost? Better? or Worse? Those things run circles in my mind everyday it seems.

*By the way, I still haven't called back the doctor. Yes, I am turning the situation downright awkward, but words still get stuck in my throat when I think about dialing her number....Any suggestions?

The End.

2009-10-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

20 weeks and 3 days. That's how far. Then the baby died. I can't believe I'm sitting here in this spot again. I want to write a coherent post, but I feel stuck and have no idea where to begin my thoughts.

I guess I will start with the physical part. Save that messy emotional part for the end of the post. Since I am "on the cusp" of stillbirth, I got to choose, give birth to my silent baby once again, or have a procedure, of which I would prefer not to type out the name of to avoid the crazies, but the fourth and then the fifth letters of the alphabet is usually how it is shortened in talk.

I'm choosing the procedure. No, I don't know if I am doing the right thing, yes, I am worried I will regret not seeing him. But, I just couldn't. I just couldn't do it again, not when I had a choice. I think, especially now that I have had the other experience, you know, where your baby comes out crying and the room is happy, and the nurses say "Congrats!" No, I don't want to experience that silent grieving room again. And my other reason for choosing the procedure was A herself. I don't want to leave her overnight if I don't have to. What for? Having to do it for a happy occasion is one thing, but for this....well, no.

We found out yesterday, and here is the salt in the wound. I have to wait till next week for the procedure. My hospital doesn't do them, they contract out. I have to get some lab tests, and then make the appointment for next week when they have all my paperwork. I can't believe I am sitting here, typing this, still pregnant, but not really. I can't believe I have to somehow get through the next at least 3 days like this. Thank God for A, who will not be letting me mope around too much. One of my biggest fears is that in the next few days, my body will just try to go into labor and I will be forced to give birth anyway. I'm terribly scared of that.

So that is the physical. Can I even talk about the emotional? Where do I start? I am very sad about this baby, please don't think I am not, but I think what keeps making the tears flow, is the thoughts of This Is It. No more making babies for me. I cannot do this again. And even if I could, I feel a certain responsibility to my family. Can't make them do it again. Can't make Mr. G do it again. He wouldn't anyway. It would be nice to think I had a husband who would just say, "I'll support whatever YOU decide", but I don't. And honestly, I can't blame him at this point. I had to talk him into trying for A, and I had to talk him into this baby too. How do I deal with this? How do I not become bitter and sad that A is an only? Nothing wrong with onlies, not at all, but not if that is not AT ALL what you planned. Do you know how sad I've gotten when I have seen siblings out and about? Thinking about how A should have M here? How am I going to deal with that now? I can't believe my reproductive life is ending this way.

We do have a name for this baby, and I just asked Mr. G if he wanted to go ahead and give him the name. He did. And I do to, but for some reason, I don't feel ready to think of him as this person, this name. It is probably just denial. I don't really want to know or feel that my baby, my baby the person with a name is dead once again. I am struggling with this because our Walk to Remember is coming up and I am supposed to register in memory of the babies names. Do I add him yet? Do I give him a date? What should the date be? The day I found out, the day of the procedure, still unknown? A silly worry for sure, but I think that is me, straddling the line. I want to remember him properly, but then again, I don't. I want to close my eyes and make this all go away. My dead children outnumber my living ones. Make it go away.

So far.....

2009-07-30T15:51:00.001-07:00

So good. The bleeding subsided and I had an appt. 2 days later. And everything looks good. Baby is growing as he/she should. So thank you for your thoughts.

I wish so much I had more time to post, and comment. I do get little snatches of time to read your blogs, please know that even if I don't always get to take the time to leave some thoughts. A is going through a phase where she literally freaks if I get on the computer and don't let her get on as well. And, as for her sleeping time, well, a year and a half later, I still believe in and practice, "when baby sleeps, you sleep!"

I have a lot to be happy about right now, and a lot to feel stressed about. I do try to manage the stress, but sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, it gets the best of me.

Thanks for always listening when I do actually get to get on here.

Probably not a good time to post

2009-07-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

It probably isn't a good time to post because I'm not in the best of moods right now. I'm like one of those "user" friends that only calls when she is going through some crisis. Maybe I need to post a very cute picture of A and you will all forgive me.......

I'm pregnant. Just about 10 weeks and I found some blood in my undies today. Not enough to call the doctor yet, but it just reminds me of the stress of it all and I am seriously questioning my ability to deal with it again. Mr. g and I were just talking about trying again and BOOM! it happened. Don't ask me how, I have never gotten pregnant that fast in my life.

I want to be happy, but the stress it interfering. Having a 1 and 1/2 year old while feeling the stress has its good points and bad. She helps me "forget" for short periods of time, because she keeps me so busy. (Oh! how busy!! that could be some posts in themselves there!) but, I also don't get to just curl up with a book and fall asleep when it all becomes too much.

Wish us luck, or prayers or whatever if you would.

Hello??? Anybody there?

2009-04-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Forgive me. Forgive my silence. I literally can't believe it is April. No, I mean really. I swear A just had her first birthday. How did 4 months happen since then? It is so very hard for me to get computer time! I have a little walker, explorer, risk taker that I am responsible for. Oh, and she hates it when I sit down at the computer. It is actually quite funny. She will be nicely playing by herself with no interest in me, so I think, "Well, here is a good time" The second my booty touches the chair, she *needs* me. You can guess who wins here.

I really just wanted to hop on and say, "I'm still here!!!" I actually am just coming off a *bad* week where I felt incredibly sad every day, missing M so much. Some days, I swear if I see another double stroller.....

Times like those bring it home that my family is not and will never be, truly complete. Times like those also remind me how *different* I really am from the general population. I'm sure no one knows how much I think of M, how much I miss him.

As for current things in my life, well, this is a complicated one. A woman who I use to work with before she got moved to another branch had her baby. At 23 almost 24 weeks. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't even get into how afraid I was to go to work for week, fearing I would hear the news the baby died. In fact, I was so afraid, that I have to admit, for just a second, I felt like all those people that avoid the topic because it is too uncomfortable. I know I am not like them really, but I just knew if her baby died, and I heard about it with working hours still in my day, that I would struggle.

So here it is, 2 weeks later and her lovely baby girl is in critical, but stable condition. And I have not sent a card, word, or good thoughts. I feel I'm in a bind. Because I want her to know if the worst happens, she can talk to me, but I don't think now, while her baby is still alive is the best time to bring up my dead one, you know? Think of it, a card that says, "gee, really great that she is alive, hope she stays that way....oh, and if she doesn't, feel free to call!!! Talk about uncomfortable....

I need a drink

2008-12-31T09:21:00.000-08:00

This post was supposed to be about a New Year's resolution I would like to try. However, before I get into that, I need to vent about the last couple of weeks, okay? Here is the timeline-

Dec. 16th M's bday
Dec. 16th-19th Bought tree, decorated tree, finished Christmas and Birthday shopping
Dec. 19th A's bday
Dec. 20th A's bday party
Dec. 22nd A's 1 year doctor appt.
Dec. 22nd-23rd A runs a fever first night, and throws up second night
Dec. 24th A seems a little better, ms. g has to run into work to fill out timecard she forgot about, start wrapping presents, have debate about whether or not we are going to inlaws that night
Dec 24th (evening) go to inlaws have Christmas celebration, watch A carefully for signs of not feeling well. Think A is having a fine time and will be able to stay up for midnight gift opening because she was given a late nap.
Dec 25th (12:30 am) Drive home with poor screaming A who, now no longer entertained by cousins, realizes how tired she is. Mom is kicking herself and feeling her heart break as tired baby cries and reaches for her from the carseat.
Dec 25th(4:30am)Change A out of Christmas pjs due to poop sliding out of diaper. Assume this is the leftover sickies leaving as A hasn't pooped in the night since she was 3 months old.
Dec 25th (morning) Have nice morning with A and Mr. g. Wrap presents for Ms. G's side of the family
Dec 25th (afternoon) Ms. g cries on phone to Mom because exhaustion is setting in from two sick baby nights with no sleep. Go to Ms. g's family, have nice Christmas celebration. Start to worry about the fact that A has barely eaten any solid food since Monday, only wants to nurse, and poop is getting softer and softer. Once again, change poopy outfit, leave it soaking in bathroom sink
Dec. 26th Notice A has 3 teeth, all about to erupt
Dec 27th Ms. g sick, spending a good portion of morning in bathroom
Dec. 28th Notice one of A's teeth has erupted. Worry again that she will only take a few bites of solid food. Notice A still, "doesn't seem like herself" though it is very subtle and she doesn't seem sick. Finally get to do some laundry, feeling much better about vomit/poo clothes not sitting around
Dec 28th-29th (overnight) A wakes up every hour, we figure it must be her teeth
Dec 29th Mr. g gets sick, A finally seems more like herself, actually lets mommy get some cleaning done instead of holding/nursing her only
Dec. 29th (overnight) A is running slight fever, won't sleep, very fussy, only wants to nurse. Ms. g feels like she is losing her shit, nipples sore, begs A to stop nursing "for five minutes, please!!"
Dec. 30th Ms. g goes back to worrying about solid food intake, too much nursing, soft yellow poop diapers. Doesn't know what to do. Just keep nursing as much as A wants? Force feed solids?

And here we are.....I am so tired. And I feel bad for A, who has had a tough week too. I know the last few days have probably been her teeth and I can even understand why she wants to comfort nurse, but man, it feels like she asks me for milk 20 times a day. And I'm left here, thinking, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" I'm sure I left some things out of that timeline. Lets just say, it has been a busy couple of weeks. I am seriously considering doing her birthday party earlier or later next year. Don't get me wrong, we had a fabulous birthday, we had so much fun, and Christmas too, it just seems like a lot of activity to cram in.

Whew!! It actually felt good to get that off my chest. I feel energized. So thank you, to those who made it through it.
********************************************

As for my resolution, I want to try to write down M's story this year. As much as possible. I am so afraid to that I will forget things, in fact, I'm sure there are some details that I have already. I never have written it down because I knew going over it like that would make me cry, and sometimes I just don't want to cry, you know? But, I want to the story to be available, for me, for A, for whoever may want to know. I may do it here, I may just do it for myself, but that is my resolution for 2009.

I wish all of us a happy, peaceful new year. May this next year bring you all joy and not heartache.

And One

2008-12-19T17:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, baby girl A!! You are truly the light of life, my joy in the morning, and my peace at night.

Delayed Anger?

2008-12-17T08:41:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday turned out the be the hardest year of M's birthday yet. Only one person in our families called. Now, I have been saying for a long time that it didn't matter to me if no one called or remembered, because I didn't need them to. Maybe I lied to myself. I should clarify that in the past 2 years, only 2 people from mr. G's side* called anyway. One of his sisters and a good friend of his, who isn't family, but I count him as "on mr. g's side". They didn't call. And I was disappointed. Wait!! That isn't actually true, his sister** did call us, only to tell us that a house we had a put a bid on went to someone else. A house I really liked.

Is it is weird that I was annoyed with her for telling me yesterday? It felt like another disappointment on a day that I walk with vulnerability anyway. And of course, no mention of M in her conversation. I felt terribly sad and angry. We were having dinner after making a stop at the beach, but before we went to pick out our tree, and after the call, I just wanted to go home. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and I felt such an overwhelming sadness.

We didn't go home, I mustered up the energy to finish our traditions for M. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking about my anger over and over in my mind. Am I asking too much? Are they asking too much, expecting me to be *better* than I am? I know you don't "get over" this. I know that. But sometimes I feel like I am going to be that person who they whisper about, "No, don't go talk to ms. g, she won't quit talking about her dead baby, I mean hello! that was so many years ago, she has living children to talk about!"

Okay, okay, I get it. Who wants to talk about and remember a dead baby? Well, besides the dead baby's mama? Except, REALLY? You really expect me to somehow move past the fact that heart was ripped was its core? That everything I ever once believed was shaken off their foundations? That not only did I lose a child I never got the chance to really know, but that I lost myself? And that even now, 3 years later, I am still trying to figure out who the hell this new self is? I'm supposed to move on from all that in a mere 3 years?

My next thoughts led me to their children. Yes, I go to the birthday parties, but I don't call them on their actual birthdays and say I am thinking of them. Is that the same thing?

This is what scares me. If it feels this way to me in 3 years, what will 10 feel like? Will I only be able to say his name here? Will I always be the freak because I refuse to forget him?

The part I really hate is that in some very small way, I understand them. He wasn't their son, they don't feel the ache of his loss as intensely or frequently as I do. But, on the other hand, he is such a large part of my life that if he isn't included even a very small way with our dealings, how close can I be to anyone?

That was my day, summed up with a lot of feeling. When M first died, I wanted time to move on, because I knew I would get better at dealing with it. Now, I am not so sure I should have wished for that. I'm finding the more time passes, the hard times just change shape and I don't know how to deal with that either.

*I have to be totally honest and fair here. Only 1 person from my family called, but that doesn't make me as annoyed. It isn't fair, but I feel that way because in my side of the family, M is mentioned and talked about frequently. I never feel like I have to say his name in a whisper there, and he is costantly mentioned as A's brother. At my in-laws, I mention his name, and everybody gets silent with depressed looks on their faces. I guess I just feel his birthday is the day when we can openly talk about M.

**I have to do an update here. She ended up calling us the next day, apologizing to Mr. G for forgetting to mention M's birthday. She said she just got so caught up in the house stuff, that it slipped her mind, but that she was thinking of him. Even though I was here when she called, she ended up calling a bit later and left a message on our machine apologizing to me. In her message she said she felt really bad. Then, at the end of the message, she said something else. I missed most of it, because her voice lowered and I couldn't pick up on all her words. This is what I heard, "A....appreciate.......now........well, I better hang up before I say something stupid" If I had to guess, it might have been something regarding feeling lucky for what I have, meaning A, and appreciating her and hopefully A helping me feel better. I think that only because she has made similiar comments since A's birth. Nothing too offensive, but still. I guess I should just be glad she called, right? Except, it frustrates me to no end that people think A makes it all better. A is her own person, not a replacement. My heart still aches for the one that should be here, making A laugh. Thank goodness for this community of people who understand.

Three

2008-12-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

I can't believe M should be 3 today. Has it really been 3 years? Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes the memories feel so distant I can barely grasp them as reality.

It is still morning here and so far, I feel okay. His actual birthday has never been the hardest day for me. Yesterday, I felt the saddest I've felt in sometime. I felt sad, but also just on edge, I didn't want to go to work and leave A. Once Mr. g is home from work we will start our traditions for M. Picking out our tree, lighting our candle. I know I will feel better then, I always do when I actually get to do something that feels like it is for M. In some ways, I think this year has been harder than last year. I know some of that is the addition of A, seeing her can be a painfully obvious view of what I missed out on. And also, just combining the two, the happy and sad in my life. It is a strange balancing act.

I want to say more, my insides feel like they are bursting at the seams with feelings, but at the same time, I feel speechless. I have often wondered, how do you keep talking about someone who lived so short a time? But, at the same time, I don't want to quit talking about him.

My sweet, sweet M,

how I miss you!!!

I wish I could give you a million hugs

and kisses for real, but these will have to do

until we are together again.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Love, Mommy

Birthdays

2008-12-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

Both my babies birthdays are fast approaching. It's strange, to have them so close together and to mean such different things.

In talking to my mom about A's upcoming day, I realized the thought in my mind about the upcoming event was, "We made it to one!!" I realized that part of the celebration for me is that she is still alive! We made it a whole year! That sounds like some dark thoughts for a momma to have, doesn't it? However, it is who I am now. Believe me, I wish I could walk around with supreme confidence that A is mine to keep for the whole of my life, but I am much too aware of how quickly your joy can be taken.

I never want to let my fears and worries overtake my life. I want to laugh in the face of them and go on my merry way enjoying every second of life and time. But it isn't always easy. I have had a few work days where I call an extra time, just to check up on A. And even now, there have been a few times when she is sleeping where I must put my hand on her chest, she just seems so still and quiet. I could probably tell you a hundred other things I do that might seem odd to others.

*sigh* It isn't easy, is it?

Feel like sharing

2008-12-02T23:29:00.001-08:00

Both Mr. g and I have attended our local Walk to Remember every year since M died. It makes me so sad, and yet, I get so much out of it as well. It is one day where M is center stage and all the people there who have not lost a baby are the freaks. This year, A was there, and it made me feel good to share in remembering her brother with her.

One good thing about living children*

2008-12-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

Before M, I loved Christmas. I had lots of decorations and enjoyed dragging them out every year to put them around the house. I loved our tree decorating night. Right around this day every year, I would start feeling giddy and happy that Christmas was coming.

I probably don't need to tell you that that all changed after M died. The year I had M, our decor and tree were already up, but I remember it took me near forever to take them down. I just could not work up the energy. I remember my mom finally helped me by taking all my ornaments off so we could at least recycle the tree. I think the ornaments stayed on the kitchen table for 3 weeks before I finally put them away.

The next year, we decided we would start the tradition of buying our tree on M's birthday. So, we did get a tree but I never decorated it. It just stayed there in all its plain green glory until recycle time came around again. Last year, pregnant and nervous, I still did not feel any "Christmas Joy". I just couldn't get into it. We bought our tree, and I thought I would at least try to get into the spirit and maybe drag out a few ornaments. I remember I told myself that if I couldn't get into the mood, then I would not pressure myself to celebrate and decorate. I ended up having A just a few days later, so that took care of the decorating question. I think I just figured the whole happiness and fun of Christmas was different for me now, and that was okay. After A came, I figured I could just fake it a bit for her sake, to make her Christmas' fun.

Well, I had a feeling the other day. A feeling I almost forgot how it felt. Christmas spirit. Christmas anticipation. Christmas joy. It jolted me. I am capable of feeling excitement again. I know that it is A. I'm excited to experience it with her. Don't get me wrong, I am still feeling all that longing and sadness and memories of the Christmas I had M. I will probably shed a lot of tears for missing my other little one that should be old enough now to be running out of his room yelling, "Santa came!!!" But, I get to feel some joy too. And that, is one good thing about living children.

Thank you, A, for helping me feel some feelings I thought I had lost forever.

*Obviously, there are many, many good things about living children. The title of this post is a little tongue in cheek. Just don't want anyone thinking I think there is only one thing!

Time keeps on coming

2008-11-20T12:58:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year again. Where I start to feel whispers of sadness doing the most regular things. Driving, shopping, while at work, my thoughts start to get crowded with M. The weeks before his birthday have proved so far to be my most difficult. The funny thing is, his actual birthday has never been that sad for me. I usually feel a sense of peace on that day. My theory is that is the one day of the year I get to openly talk about him and people don't seem to give off the uncomfortable vibe as much.

This year has the added element of having A around, plus her birthday, mere days after M's. I am so, so excited about her birthday. I can't help but wonder if some of that is just that I get to have a birthday party at all. I'm torn, I want to let myself feel my sadness, longing and aching for M, but I don't want A to ever feel a cloud of sadness over her birthday. This time of year is tough.

Last night, while driving home from work, I let myself shed a few tears. To and from work is really the only time I am alone these days and I find it to be a good time to let my thoughts give in to their sadness and want. I can't help but feel like M is a itch I will never get to scratch. I still desire with such strength his presence here with me, I desire wanting to know him better.

This time of year gives me the feeling of a heavy blanket of sadness that is wrapped over me.

Remember our babies

2008-10-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

Of course, as most of us know, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I worked till 8 pm today, so I did not get to light my candle, but I did wear my walk to remember t-shirt to work. I wanted to post a picture of it, but I never took the photo. Maybe another time.

I know I have been quite neglectful of this blog, and I am not sure what to do about it. Part of me wants to keep it and part of me wants to let it go. A decision for another time, I suppose.

For tonight, and every night, I think of you and your sweet babies. I wish we could all be holding them in our arms instead of just in our hearts.

Feelings

2008-08-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have so much I want to write about. I think I have started at least 400 posts in my head. Of course, I have already forgotten 200 of them....but the other 200 will have to wait for another day. Something happened today I need to talk about.

We have volunteers at my work. The volunteer today was a woman, with a 3 year old, currently pregnant with her second child. We are not close or even super friendly but we do chat here and there. She knows I had a baby in December, but that is all she knows. She has never asked the "Is she your first?" question, probably because she has assumed it.

*Before I go on, I know you are all wondering- Yes, I have had a wee bit of a hard time with her pregnancy. Yes, I am jealous, yes, I feel slightly uncomfortable when the topic comes up, Yes, I feel anxiety and tension when lighthearted comments are made about "when" the baby comes. Yes, Yes, Yes, I admit it, okay?*

She was telling me a funny story about her 3 year old waking up early lately. I asked if she trys to put her back down or just gets up. She said it wasn't too early and they usually just get up. Then she tells me they have been really lucky because she slept through the night at 2 months. (*Another side note-why do mothers always mention this in a *braggy* tone?) Then she says,

"Yeah, the first time she did it, I freaked and ran to her room"

I nod here, and murmur agreement, the first time A slept long, I panicked, though I'm sure our panic was at slightly different levels.

She continues, "I mean, I just thought, as I walked to her door, is she dead? Do I want to go there? I mean, I don't want to see that"

But the part that I am not sure I can convey appropriately is her facial expression and tone. It was lighthearted, she smiled and actually laughed as she said it. I would say it was almost like an embarrassed laugh, like when you can't believe you did something.

I stopped smiling immediately. I felt very uncomfortable. I can't exactly describe my thoughts. For some reason, her lighthearted tone made me squirm inside. I felt chilled. Only a mother who has never looked at her dead child would say it that way.

I changed the subject and moved on. I couldn't even nod in agreement anymore, because when I have felt that panic with baby girl A, (more than once!) I could not laugh at myself later. My panic was real. And when baby girl A is shown to be fine, I feel relief, and absolutely no silliness at my thoughts. I mean, baby girl A doesn't sleep in her own room yet, because I am not ready to give up quick access to her or quick access to the sight of her chest rising and falling with breath.

This conversation was another reminder I am not like other mothers. Oh sure, baby girl A works like a costume for me, lets me pretend in public I am like everybody else, but the truth is, I'm not.

I felt so many feelings in this moment. Sadness and anger mostly. Sadness that this was my life, but also sadness that she took it so lightly. She has no idea..... Anger that she took it so lightly and some anger that she said something like that when she knows nothing about my life. I know she doesn't know, but still. Be careful what you say is good advice in life.

And of course, I thought of M, of seeing him dead. And I thought of A, of how seriously I take each of her breaths, of how I have looked at her and felt gratitude drip over every inch of me. And some of that, maybe a lot of that is because I did see one of my children dead.

It seems so odd for me to say this, but that is where my sadness for her came in. She doesn't know that level of gratitude. Not that I want her to. And I don't mean to sound as if I think only us dead baby moms can truly appreciate our children. I just felt like there was something there, some level she will never feel. Weird thoughts, I know.

I felt relief when the conversation was over. I wonder, if she ever does find out about M, will she remember this day, and realize her error? Probably not. And that is okay. I hope she gets to keep her innocence, though I am glad I never sound that lighthearted when mentioning death and my children.

I probably did the same thing "before"

2008-06-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight I read a post over at Rosepetal's blog . Then I read the one comment that had been left. Then I saw red. It really ticked me off. At one point in the comment it read "I've never lost a child......" Oh. Of course. But you are full of advice on how we should handle our grief.

My anger didn't last long though. Because, lets be honest. I might have thought my advice was good "before" too. I probably still do it a little. You know, think I know about things, that guess what? I don't. I don't walk in those shoes. We all do it. We all think we have a good answer, or good advice.

Losing M, and hearing all those good answers and that good advice from "I've never lost a child......" people made me realize I didn't know what I was talking about either.

So why be mad? They don't know that they just don't know. And they are damn lucky for it.

Better than a dozen

2008-06-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

My apologies to CLC who gave me a Pink Rose Award many days ago. I have been very busy. I can't complain about it, because we all know why I have been busy. Seriously, I have tons of admiration for working out the home full time moms. I work half time, and can't find time for anything. Of course, baby girl A has decided she believes in religion and apparently this religion practices a late bedtime. I don't know, perhaps she is afraid God's wrath will befall her should she fall asleep before 10 pm. I hear other mom's of living children mention they get things done after their kids are in bed. Mmmmm...this is what I get done when baby girl A is in bed.....ZZZZZZZZZ.

Anyhow, I am so deeply honored that CLC awarded me this. Because the length of time it took me to respond, I am not officially passing this on to someone else, but would like to volley it back to CLC. She is still fairly new on this road. She writes with grace and honesty about her emotions. I am not at all exaggerating when I say I read her posts and swear I could have written the same thing at that time in my grief. Seriously, in a weird way, she speaks for me, no joke. Her most recent post struck me in a hundred ways. I am so glad she reads my blog, because I know it must sometimes be hard to read about those of us with subsequent children. I admire her, because at many points in my grief I would look at those with living children, and just think that it was nice it could happen to them, but it might not happen for me.

Thank you again, CLC. I wish you peace in this journey, or at least as much peace as people like us can expect.

Fault with a side of stupidity

2008-05-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

No matter what anyone says, I will always blame myself for M's death. I know I have not told much of his story here, and I do want to. I would actually like to tell it in a coherent way from the start to the end, but I never seem to sit down and do it. My urge to write things always comes in pieces. Today, the story takes place in the very beginning and the very end.

In the months before I became pregnant with M, I started feeling some joint pain. It was very mild at first, and mostly in my hands. It started to get slightly worse, and I ended up feeling pain in my feet as well. It took me a long, long time to finally go to the doctor because not only am I not a go to the doctor kind of person, but the discomfort was so sporadic. Here one day bad, next day mild, next day the pain wasn't there at all.

When I finally went to the doctor, he asked me a bunch of questions, including if I had ever been pregnant. He really didn't tell me anything, and sent me away with a pamphlet on arthritis and instructions to come back in a few months. I never went. Mostly because the pain started to feel better. But, honestly, also because time just got away from me and it wasn't like he seemed that helpful or informative anyway.

I found out I was pregnant. My world became consumed with that. I honestly don't remember if I mentioned to the ob/gyn that I saw someone for joint pain. I don't think I did. I think I assumed it was in my records.

Fast forward to the days before M died. He was too quiet. Much, much too quiet. I have a very vivid memory that I have never shared with anyone before. I was sitting on the couch, watching TV. It dawned on me that he wasn't moving. I poked my belly, and mr. g teased me, saying, leave him alone, he is sleeping. And I convinced myself that he probably was.

Another memory, we are eating dinner with mr. g's coworkers. I had my hand on my belly and one of them asked if he was moving around. I smiled, but then realized, no, he wasn't. I did nothing.

Let us tear apart my guilt here. I found out after M died, that I do indeed have some autoimmune condition and that was what was causing my joint pain. It isn't lupus, it isn't arthritis. They don't know what it is, I just have some weird antibodies. Of course, some autoimmune conditions are associated with pregnancy loss. Mostly miscarriage, but still. I have also had more than one doctor reassure me that they really don't think M's death was related because I don't have the conditions that are associated specifically with loss. Of course, I have read hundreds of things about autoimmune conditions now, and one thing I know for sure, it that the medical community doesn't know a lot about it. It is still very much a mystery to them.

Now I don't really believe it was my disease. But I don't know for sure. And I really dropped the ball on that one. The part that really eats me up inside, is that that isn't like me at all. I normally would go research stuff if I was having discomfort like that. Why didn't I? Why did I just go along willy nilly like? Why didn't I at least mention to the ob/gyn that I had visited a rheumatologist and that I was supposed to go back? Like I said, I am not sure it was actually my disease that killed him, but if I had gone back, if I had told someone, I probably would have been watched closer. Because having some weird antibodies gets you watched closer in pregnancy. I didn't know I had weird antibodies, because I didn't go back to the doctor. And maybe if they did decide to watch me closer, something would have been seen. Something maybe would have been caught, that made them go, "hey, this baby was doing so well, and now his heartbeat is slower". Or then again, maybe not.

Lets move on. Why didn't I go to the doctor when M was quiet? Why? Why? Why? How stupid could I have been? I feel the need to share that I am NOT an ignorant person. I try to keep up on things, read a lot, all that stuff. So how could I have not known that his stillness WAS NOT NORMAL? But I didn't. Every time I noted it, I convinced myself he was just quiet at that moment. Why didn't I check again later? WHY? I don't know. I don't know. I feel so dumb. Especially now that I have had baby girl A. Yes, babies move, ALL THE TIME, mostly. They don't just stop.

It just doesn't seem like me. The time I drop the ball is the ONE time it mattered so much. I don't know if I am being totally honest though. I say it doesn't seem like me to not go to the doctor, to not realize his stillness was wrong, but truthfully, that isn't me NOW. I was so naive back then. Maybe that was exactly me. I feel like I was so dumb and ignorant. Ignorant as a woman who smokes or drinks while pg., because she *doesn't know any better*.

I realize that even if I had done all things differently, it doesn't mean the outcome would have been different. The cord was around his neck, and according to his autopsy, he showed signs of asphyxiation. I tell myself that could have been it, and if so, then it took seconds, and no one would have caught it or been able to do anything about it. But sometimes I think I only tell myself that so I can continue to live with myself.

The guilt is crushing at times. And one of the worst outcomes of it, is that I have felt scared with baby girl A. What if she gets sick and I don't take her to the doctor soon enough? What if she has a cut, that I chalk up as nothing and it isn't nothing? And on, and on, and on.

I have told myself all of the comforting things. It wasn't your fault, if you had known, you would have done anything to save M, etc . etc. But in the end, I have to live with the guilt. It won't ever completely go away.

**********************

I have to add, as I was re-reading this, I almost decided not to publish it. That is how ashamed I am of myself. I feel like I let my son down in huge ways. I did decide to go ahead though, because I know guilt is a shared thing in our community. And also because I need to get some of this stuff off my chest. I need to keep grieving and dealing with this. Two years later, I am just starting to realize I have barely scratched the surface. I'm pretty sure most of my grieving will be done here and in my head, because as we all know, most of the people around me think I am *better*. I hate myself right now.

Too lazy to rewrite my feelings on this

2008-05-10T23:11:00.001-07:00

Not only do I let my feelings out here, but I also post on an online support group. I'm too lazy to write a real post about how hard this Mother's day is for me, so I am just going to copy the post I wrote there tonight.

I am really struggling this year. I know I have A, and believe me, I feel so blessed with her, you can't even imagine, but I just miss my little guy so much. I wish he could be here not only for me, but for A too.I could just feel a lot of sadness coming down on me as mothers day approached and I decided I really didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of it for me. I'm making dinner for my mom, but that is it. I'm just so bugged because a couple of people have acted like they are so excited for me and I know it is because they are thinking of this as my first mothers day. This came from even some family members, (in-laws) Then, a friend of ours brought me flowers today, and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but they wrote, "happy 1st mothers day" on the card. It stung. I mean, come on, I know being the mother to a baby that died means you might not "celebrate" mothers day in the traditional ways, but you are still a mom!! It just saddens me so much. After our friends left, I cried and cried to dh. I wasn't going to visit my inlaws tomorrow anyway, but I for sure can't now. I am just feeling too emotionally fragile to deal with them. I will NOT be able to handle it if everybody makes a big deal over the day for me.Sorry to vent, please don't think I don't appreciate being A's mom. I do, so much. That is part of what gets me, I keep thinking about all of the mothers out there whose children are not with them.Thanks for listening.

To all of us who have a spent a mothers day without our children- I wish a gentle, peaceful day. Remember, you ARE mothers.

Husbands and air conditioning

2008-04-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

We have a small room air conditioner in the living room only. It was a warm day today, and by mid afternoon, we decided to flip it on. My husband walked down the hall and started closing doors to the back rooms in order to not waste the cool air. We had a short discussion on whether or not to close A's door as we would probably be going in and out to change her diaper etc. I then asked Mr. g if he closed our bedroom door. He got a somewhat sheepish look on his face and said, "No, M is in there" Of course, he meant M's ashes which sit in a spot made just for him on our dresser.

It was one of those moments when I realized my husband still does miss M, and does have his own little hang ups. He can't close our bedroom door when we are not in there because it feels like shutting M out somehow. I can't get rid of a pregnancy books on natural non medicated birth I got while pregnant with M, even though I will probably never have a natural non medicated birth.

Eavesdropping

2008-04-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today, at a local outdoor fair of sorts, we were walking through a thick crowd of people. Mr. g says in a low murmur, "did you hear that?" Focused on working my way around people, I heard nothing and told him that. Mr. g told me the people behind us were having a conversation about faith. The woman was a mom to a baby who had died before birth, and the man was asking her if she felt it was Gods fault. According to Mr. g, her answer was no, but the man questioned the belief that if God was all powerful and good, why did that happen to her?

There are just too damn many of us.

In response to comments: Julia, I too wondered about their relationship and the nature of the conversation. I saw them walk away, and I will say I don't think he was the father, they were not walking like a couple or even a once upon a time couple. This fair had a booth of atheists, so I did wonder if he was part of that, since he seemed to be expressing a non belief in God. If I had heard the conversation and emotional tone, I would be able to make a better guess, but because Mr. g heard it, and only repeated what was said, I have no idea on why they were talking about this. I did have the urge to say something to woman, because I always do when I hear of someone else's loss.

How nice and going private

2008-04-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm very touched. Tash Less Than 3's me!! I would love to put up that little graphic, but here is where I have to admit I am a goober, and couldn't figure out how.

I don't know if I am supposed to pass this on to someone in particular, but I less than 3 all of you, really. I can't tell you how much I read your posts, all the while nodding my head, and thinking, "That's it, I am going to stop writing, these people express some of my same feelings, but in a much more well written and eloquent way." I don't always get a chance to post a comment, but I am often reading along every day.

And on that note, something I have been meaning to ask about, so many blogs I liked to read have gone private. I won't beg to be invited, but I am going to put my email in the comments section of this post in case you do decide to invite me. No pressure, seriously, I just miss those folks and their nuggets of wisdom.

A funny thing about grief

2008-03-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

Even here, it seems akward to talk about my grief. I can't help but feel the pressure of "you should be happy now!" since baby girl A is here. I imagine mom's new to this club reading and not understanding, because their grief is so fresh, so horribly painful, that they don't really want to hear how someone like me feels now. I imagine them thinking things like, "But at least you have A, and you know you can have a living child". I know that I thought similiar things when I was new to my grief.

I am happy. I enjoy baby girl A more than words can describe. The grief is never far away though, and sometimes the whisper grows louder and I can feel incredibly sad. This is a somewhat confusing time for me. I don't know what to do with my feelings anymore. Where do I put them, how do I express them? As odd as this will sound, I almost wish I had spent more time before A just wallowing in my grief. I did to an extent, but I realize now that just a few short months after M died, I started working on *being normal* again. I tried so hard to function that looking back, I didn't get to finish the *crazy* part of grief. I was, in so many ways, *holding it together*. Then, when I became pregnant with A, I was so very focused on her, on hoping she would live.

I don't know what to do with my M feelings. I find myself wanting to speak of him, add him into the conversation, the picture, the family gathering....but how?? I write things about A, things about her growth, her milestones, and I want to somehow put M in there, marking his place in the family line. But how? How do you speak of someone who isn't growing, who isn't doing new things to talk about, and who was here barely a millisecond of time? I know, that in October, at the walk to remember, and on his birthday, I will at least get to do something with my feelings. I just wish I could figure out what to do the rest of the year. I do know I need to work on his baby book, so there is that. It just seems that everything I think of is so lonely. I'm the only one still living in M world. And the truth is, it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't fill the hole. When I was new to my grief, every little thing I did for M, or to remember M felt good, and gave me a fleeting sense of peace. I'm not sure I get that anymore, I just feel hopeless that those things are it, that my mothering him has been reduced to gestures.

I miss him. I wish I had ALL my children here with me, where they belong.

I want to be pregnant again

2008-03-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

Got you with that title, didn't I? I'll explain myself. I found myself reminiscing about baby girl A's pregnancy. I actually had the thought of, "ooooh, I wish I could go back in time and feel some of that excitement all over again" As soon as I thought that, my next thought was, "WHAT??????!!!!!!!!" I couldn't believe that thought had gone through my mind. I was very unhappy during her pregnancy. Wait,scratch that, not unhappy, stressed, very, very stressed. The entire time I was wanting to rush time along to the day she would be here, alive and screaming. I did a million different countdowns in my head, I had a thousand ways to deal with the slowly passing time of my pregnancy. I often tried to completely ignore dates and days except the first of every month, because it meant another month down, one less to get through.

So, why that thought? I realized I was only feeling nostalgic because I knew the ending. See, I know she comes out okay, so the thought now of reliving her pregnancy doesn't seem bad at all. It dawned on me that I didn't really enjoy her pregnancy much, and going back in my mind and having memories of it, was just my way of trying to enjoy a piece of it, even though it is long over. Oh, sure, I guess during the pregnancy I had my moments. She would make me laugh at times with her wiggles or hiccups. When I used my doppler and heard her heart, sweet joy and relief would wash over me. But, I have to be honest, I spent most of the time either begging for her to keep living, or just trying to forget I was pregnant in order to give myself a break from my morbid thoughts.

I have heard many pregnant after loss moms express their feelings of guilt, that they didn't enjoy their pregnancies. I had moments like that during the pregnancy. Now that she is here though, it isn't guilt I feel, because, well, it doesn't really matter, I shower her with love now, it doens't matter how I felt during her pregnancy. I feel sadness though. Sadness that that is how it had to be and probably will be for any possible future pregnancies. I mourn my sweet M, but I also mourn my innocence.

What about our living children?

2008-03-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

I have read a lot of blogs lately that mention the fact that many people not in our "club" are so clueless, and never, ever think it could happen to them. This is very true, I honestly don't think anyone in my life since my loss, has thought, "gee, that could have been/could be me".

Then I had this thought- what about our living children if we are lucky enough to have them? I guess I started thinking about it because my l/c is a girl, and there is a good chance she will want children and if she is lucky, become pregnant one day. She won't be able to claim ignorance, after all, it happened to her mom. And because I imagine she will know details of my pregnancy loss, she won't be able to think the thing many people do to protect themselves, you know, the "there must have been something wrong with baby/mom/both of them" that lets them continue to believe it won't happen to them.

Now, I know there are women out there whose moms have suffered a loss. I wonder though if the way society handles it now compared to then will make a difference. We dead baby moms talk about it more, and many of us include our babies in our family, so our living children know about the sibling and the loss. Not so true just a generation ago even. There is a woman in my support group whose mom had a stillbirth and this woman did not even know that until she suffered the loss of her own newborn daughter. I find it touching that at the walk to remember, this woman always walks not only for her daughter, but her sister too.

I wonder, if baby girl A ever is pregnant, how will her pregnancy be? Of course I think she will be thrilled and excited, but will she have that bouncy innocence so many of us had before and so many women have now? I hope that she doesn't let her knowledge take away her joy (after all, she isn't the one who experienced it) but I do hope that knowledge lets her be more watchful, careful, and assertive with her doctors. And that, should the worst happen, she will know she wants the pictures and momentos.

I can't believe this

2008-02-26T18:07:00.000-08:00

Well, actually, I guess I can. I am still sick with jealousy and have a hard time hearing, reading, or being around pregnant women. Here I am, in the store, baby girl A against my chest in her S.nugli, and a pregnant woman walks by, and a flame of bitterness flares in my chest. Also, I felt uncomfortable. I think a part of me thought that might calm down a bit after A was here. I don't feel sick to my stomach, so I guess at least that has improved.

Though I usually try not to pay too much mind to celebrity stuff, the news showing photos of A.n.gel.ina (you know who I mean) with her much celebrated you know what (I can't bring myself to say the "BB" words) I was jealous once again. Ahem....doesn't she have enough kids? It's just my bitterness.

Especially because for many reasons of which I should post and talk about, right now at least, it seems there is a good chance A might be my only living child. Even though I should leave that on a cross that bridge when I come to it shelf, it makes me feel so sad when I do start thinking about it.

Remember and Forget

2008-02-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

A few months back, my mom found a picture of me at about age fifteen. I'm sitting in front of our Christmas tree, with a big smile on my face. My mom gave it to Mr. G and because he thought it was so cute, he put it in his car, right in front of the steering wheel, so he can see it when he drives. At the time, I thought it was sweet. If there is one thing that keeps me going, it is probably the fact that my husband seems to like me a lot.

Yesterday, though, I was having a tough day and we took his car to go somewhere. For some reason, I couldn't stop staring at the picture. I look so happy, so freakin innocent. I can't believe I thought I had problems then. For a moment, I had to urge to rip that picture up and let the pieces scatter in the wind. I will never, never be that girl again. Never that innocent, or hopeful, or healthy.

I always say your memories are so important, and you should try to record them as best you can. Right now, our thing, because of A being here, is a video camera, we must have a video camera. While we were discussing various choices, I had the thought that it was too bad we never purchased one before. It would have been fun to have video of our relationship through the years, the trips we took, the apts. we lived in. But I was immediately struck by the following thought that perhaps I wouldn't want to watch those. Do I really want to be reminded of the person I was before? It does nothing but serve as a very painful reminder of who I am now.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we shouldn't fill ourselves with memories. Maybe we should just live totally in the now, and then we don't have to think about what we don't have. I feel guilty for that though. If we did do that, how would we remember our dead? They are nothing but memory. I don't want to forget M, or any little thing about his short time here with me. I want sensory memory with him, so I can always remember exactly how he felt. I just don't want to remember that happy, healthy, innocent girl or that happy, active, innocent couple. It hurts too much.

Some technical questions

2008-02-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

As I have mentioned, I am rather new and uneducated on this blog stuff. So I am asking all of you much more experienced bloggers for help.

If I wanted to start another blog, that had no connection whatsoever to this one, do I just use another email address? This is important because family may read this new blog, and I do not want them to find this one.

And next, in your opinion, what is the best way to show pictures on your blog? When I have done it, I have used a photo hosting service like Phot.obucket, but I would love to hear other options.

On a related note, for those of you that use Fli.kr, how do you like it?

Thank you fellow bloggers!

Goodbye January

2008-01-31T15:57:00.000-08:00

The last post of the month. I thought a good and small blogging goal would to make sure I post the last day of the month, no matter how the rest of the month went. The last day would be a good to day to reflect on the past 4 weeks and take a breather.

I have had quite a few sad days lately. Having A here intensifies the fact that I don't have M. You guys are probably tired of hearing me say that already, but it is so, so true.

My sister in law the other day was asking us about having more, how spaced out did we want our kids? She made some comment about "2 years" and, silly me, I thought she was referring to M and A. Before I opened my mouth, to agree, she made a follow up comment, and I felt dumb, realizing she was talking about the possible age difference between A and my next child. Yeah, cause we don't have to talk about M now, right? I answered back with a comment that, possibly, A will be our last. (Really need to post on this, by the way) She said, "Only 1 for you then?" I know what she meant, I do, she meant 1 in that sense of actively mothering, but it still stung. I was silent, I changed the subject, didn't correct her. I often do correct people, but sometimes I just get so tired, tired of having to correct people. It's strange too, because I do feel I actively parent M, does no one else see it this way? I love him deeply, and I keep his memory alive the best I can, isn't that actively parenting too?

I was tears a few nights ago because I was watching a show on dwarfism. Not the kind of dwarfism M had, a much rarer and seemingly more health affecting kind. But watching the show and watching the kids with this dwarfism struggle with the normal growing up issues but with a twist, sent me into tears. I miss M for everything, but also that unique perspective he would have brought to the family. I wonder what he would have taught us about being a dwarf in an average size world. How much he would have shown us! At least, I imagine so. There was a scene in the show, where the girl was at the mall with her average size friend. They were in the food court, and the camera showed an older man pointing at her, using his hands to show how small she was to whomever he was sitting with. It upset her terribly. Fire lit in me, I was so angry! A grown man should know better. It seems to me it is one thing to be curiuos, but then be an adult and direct enough to go talk to the person. At least then you give them an out, they can always turn you away. But to openly point at someone!

Those are just two examples of things that make me dissolve into tears lately. I know what you are thinking.....her poor husband.

Where Ms. G shuts up

2008-01-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

So I know I have been totally silent lately. It is just hard for me to get a chance to get on. Believe me, I have made a million posts in my mind while I sit nursing A.

However, when I finally get on the computer, my mind is a blank. Honestly, I don't want to post too much about A. I really don't want to become a "mommy blog". I think I can post about whatever, but can I really do that with a title Broken Heart Diaries? I do still have some things to post about M. Lots, actually, I have always wanted to tell more of his story, but during my pregnancy with A, there were always those worries to speak of. So I plan to still post, sometimes about M, about A, or you know, whatever. It will just probably not be too very often right now, while I figure out how to nurse, comfort my fussmonkey and type at the same time.

*Sigh* Just a moment to reflect on that last sentence. As hard as it can be, I love that she is here with me, that nursing and typing at the same time are my concerns, instead of, "How will I survive this?" She gives me a run for my money, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate her very existence.

I'm sorry, was that last paragraph obnoxious? I don't mean it to be.

I am going to share my latest source of tears and anger. When I am struggling with *motherhood* and knowing what to do for her, I have this thought, "If M were here, I would know this stuff, I wouldn't be a *newbie*" And then I get pissed at this truth that is my life.

A big sigh and Christmas

2008-01-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

Man, I have been wanting to post for awhile. I have not posted, not only because I'm lucky if I get both hands to use on the computer, but, honestly, I am having trouble finding the words to post about what I want to post about.

It's Christmas. I want to post about Christmas. And now, it seems almost silly to post about something that was 2 weeks ago. But, I'm gonna try.

I had baby A here at Christmas. And it was wonderful and awful all at the same time. I almost couldn't wrap my mind around it. How could it be the biggest high of my life and also make me so sad?

We do Christmas eve at the in-laws, and Christmas at my family's house. Christmas eve, I tried to suck every bit of joy out of the fact that baby A was here. I took pictures of her in front of presents and the tree, made her wear a santa hat, and, just sat and stared at her in wonder. I also cried about 6 times during the evening. I kept flashing back to Christmas after M died. How awful and how different from what I was experiencing this year. And when I say "flashing back" I mean it. The memories, especially certain details just kept swirling around my mind. I had somewhat the same experience the next day at my parents, but it seemed more intense at the in-laws. Not to sound dramatic, but I have wondered if people who have experienced what we have can have some mild form of post traumatic stress.

I know everyone means well, and a lot of their behavior comes just from the fact that they are so happy for Mr. g and I. Of course they are. But, I think the reason the memories and feelings were more intense at the in-laws was because I couldn't help but feel their sense of relief. Relief that now maybe we won't be the *sad ones* at family gatherings, especially Christmas. M's birthday was 3 days before A's birth, and only one in-law called us. One. I made cards, just like I did on M's first birthday, just to let the family know where we were donating and that we were thinking of him. And just like last year, no in-law mentioned the card. I love both my children, and one being here, even so close to when I lost the other, does not lessen or erase my thoughts of him. I found it making me think of him more, actually.

At my mothers the next day, I spoke of my feelings and even admitted that a part of me started thinking maybe I should have waited to schedule my c-section till after the holidays. Of course, I don't think I could have waited, but the parallels were a lot to handle.

I said it once, and I say it again. I enjoyed the heck out Christmas this year, enjoyed the heck out of baby A. But, other than the Christmas he died, it might have also been my saddest Christmas at the same time.

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And, unrelated, but just because it struck me so much- Has anyone seen the movie Easte.rn P.romises? Nao.mi Wat.ts plays a midwife (whom, you find out, had a baby "die while inside her"), and a young girl died while giving birth on her shift. The baby lived, and the midwife would like to find the family, so the baby may go to live with one of them. At one point in the movie, V.iggio Morten.son is giving the midwife a ride home. She is explaining about the death of the young girl. V.iggio gives her a confused look, and says, "I thought you worked with births" The midwife replies, "Yes, well, sometimes birth and death go together" Oh yes, truer words were never spoken.

And 3 days later....

2007-12-26T17:12:00.000-08:00

M's sister made her appearance. Yes, baby girl "A" was born. I'll sum it up quickly: On Monday, Dec. 17th, at my doctor's appointment, the doctor started listing times I could schedule the c-section. (She was still breech, and I decided against an external version) One of the times she offered was Wednesday afternoon, as in 2 days from then. But, I had to have an amnio to check for lung maturity on Tuesday. If I chose that date, I would be 37 weeks, 5 days, a little earlier than I planned, but, seriously folks, how could I not choose the earliest date?

I have never in my life heard a more beautiful sound than that of her first cry. 37 weeks and 5 days of sheer terror ended. And, a whole new kind of terror started. I am finding recovery from a c-section rough, I'll be honest. I guess I'm odd man out because every other woman I have spoken to says she would choose c-section over vaginal birth, but I don't think I would. Of course, my vaginal birth was with M, and who knows how that affected the experience. For one thing, I think they gave me more drugs.

There is a lot I would like to post about. A lot about my complicated feelings having her here, at the same time of year, 2 years ago that I was in shock over losing her brother. I want to feel like I can be honest here. Because I am ecstatic, over the moon, loving and enjoying her in a way words can't describe. But, I am dealing with a lot of emotions too. There has been a lot of crying this week, and not just from baby. And here, I want to be able to talk about these things. So, I hope if I do, no one will think I am not enjoying my sweets. In real life, sometimes it feels like people think that way. So, if I ever get a chance, I will post about this week, and all it's emotions for me.

For now, I will say this. I adore her, the breastfeeding is hard, but getting easier, I adore her, I never knew there were so many diapers, and I adore her. Looking at her gives me great happiness and sadness, now I know for sure what I lost. But over the last week, I have thought many times that M, in his absence, has given me great and deep appreciation for every breath she takes.

The day you were born

2007-12-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my first love, my first born. Your candle is lit, M, and thoughts of you fill my heart. We will go buy our Christmas tree today, our tradition now, on your birthday. We love and miss you always. XOXOXOXOXOXO...FOREVER

I feel special

2007-12-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it! I have been meme'd! Its my first time (blushing). It was Tash over at Awful but Functioning. I recently discovered her blog, and I really like it, so go on over and check her out. It being my first time and all, you will forgive me if I stumble a bit over this, yes?

1. I'm Ms. G, from Broken Heart Diaries. I am not even going to bother linking to my about me page, because I have hardly a thing on it.

2. I don't think I am ready to be listed as a *family* blogger. I consider us a family, even though my son is dead, but I don't think I blog much about family topics at this time.

3. I have been blogging since May of this year. I decided to do it because I realized I was going to literally lose my head being pregnant again, and your family can only take so much. I had already been reading some loss blogs, and just like attending support group, they were helping me to feel not so alone and crazy. I do wish I had started earlier maybe right after losing M, but honestly, I don't know that I would have had much to write. I think 2 years later, I am still trying to articulate my grief.

4.Okay, tagging others. Mmmmm....this might be tough, as I believe most of the blogs I read have already been tagged. So, if I re-tag you, just ignore me. I'm going to tag Monica over at Pregnancy after Stillbirth because she was pregnant after the loss of her sweet Jimmy, now she is mommy to an adorable little brother, and I look to her for inspiration on parenting both the living and the dead. Oh, and she is funny!

Next up is Beruriah over at Anno di Consolation. Hard to know what to say except I like her, like reading her, think it is super cute that her hubby has both posted and commented, and she literally just had her baby son, after loss of her first sweet pea Natan, so I am also going to be looking at her for inspiration on parenting both the living and the dead. Oh, and seeing as she just gave birth, I guess it is totally forgivable if she ignores this or takes up to 18 years to do it.

And finally, Julia over at I Won't Fear Love. I love her! She really inspires me to be more assertive and strong. I love to hear about her living child, Monkey. I love to hear about the old country. She is very honest in her posts and comments, and I love that too. In her case, she already had a living child when she experienced the loss of her sweet A, so that perspective is slightly different and interesting to hear. She recently had a run in with a very unprofessional doctor's office, and I just want to run over and scream at them for her.

Thank you Tash for memeing me. I love all the blogs I read, I could never measure up to their writing or wit. This club of loss sucks, but, I guess if you have to be here, you might as well *meet* some great people/writers along the way.

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BlogHer Me and Mine Meme 100 directions: 1.) State the name of your blog, your real name or your online name, and link to your "about me" page. 2.) Say you want to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger and link back to this Me and Mine 100 original post, here 3.) Tell how long you've been blogging. 4.) Pass this meme on to three other bloggers that you think should be profiled/interviewed, and ask them to do the meme. (Kindly link to the bloggers you select.)

As we approach....

2007-12-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

Just a few short days from now, it will be M's birthday. I'm actually doing a bit better than I was at the beginning of the month. I didn't really post about my feelings, because a lot of the time, when it comes to M, I can't find the words. I miss him. That is the main thing. I just miss him something fierce.

Yes, time heals, in the sense that you become more functioning. You become able to say your baby's name without wanting to die as you do, it becomes slightly easier to see other babies, slightly easier to see life go on. But, for me at least, the ache, the longing, for what I don't and can't have is very much there. I will never really heal. That is what I tell people. I live with it better, but I never, never stop hurting or wanting him here on earth with me.

Sometimes, I close my eyes, and try to remember the exact feel of him in my arms. I can't always capture it. Sometimes, I try to imagine being able to hug him now. His absence is huge and I don't think time can change that.

Ache. It is the best I can come up with. I ache.

Sensitivity

2007-12-10T11:56:00.000-08:00

After reading this post over at Road Less Travelled, I got to thinking about an incident after M died, where I had to see a baby.

It was about 4 months after his death. My in-laws were having a birthday party for my sil's youngest, he was turning two. I thought it was going to be just family there. This sil has 2 other children, who, at the time were 20 and 18. Mr. g's nieces. We were close to them before, and that relationship is one that took a downward spiral after M's death. It started in the hospital and just got worse. One of the things that bugs sometimes about my in-laws, is they have these "family" parties and then let the kids bring a whole bunch of friends. This is more annoying when said friends are all teenagers. (apology to all the teenagers out there, but I hope you know what I mean here). Also, they have let this occur when it is someone else in the family giving the party, meaning not their mom, so party thrower is suddenly providing food and drinks for friends that just showed up.

Four months might seem like a long time to someone not grieving. Sil's house has a long driveway. We parked at the end and were making the long walk down towards everyone when I saw her. The niece's 17 year old, very pregnant friend. Now please don't think I am turning this into some rant on teenage pregnancy. Pregnant woman in general are hard enough in these situations, as most of you reading know, and in some cases you can just add to the pot the reasons why it feels worse. (her youth, bad situation, the unfairness, etc.)

Here is how my brain fired in those seconds: 1st thought-Okay, ms. g, you can handle this, you can just say hello, ignore her and try to stay away.
2nd thought-she has to be almost due, you can tell, everyone will be talking about it. Everyone. In-laws are not exactly poster children for sensitivity. I have to get out of here.

I feel tears start and I freeze, midway down the driveway. Mr. g notices I've stopped and turns to ask what is going on. I tell him I have to go. I nod toward her. He finally notices her and says, okay, if you need to go, go, no problem, here are the keys. I ran up the driveway and drove off. Mr. g called about 3 seconds later asking where I was, he had meant to go with me, he just wanted a moment to tell everybody we were leaving. My mistake, I thought he was planning on staying. I turned around and came to get him. My other sil and mil came out to hug me and tell me it was okay for me to leave. They were very nice, but I know they were somewhat baffled.

I won't lie. I was a little bit angry. I mean, someone couldn't have called and just let me know she was going to be there? I've been part of the family for 10 years at that point. I felt like, duh, get a clue. On the other hand, should anyone have figured that out? I guess because it was so obvious that Mr. g and I were still grieving, I just thought it seemed natural for it to cross someones mind. In my case, I have to admit Mr. g's responsibility in that he never talked the details of grief with his family (they don't do that), he never would have mentioned our jealousy and envy at pregnant woman and newborn babies.

Where is the balance? I accept that we can't totally avoid these situations, and to on some level, we have to put our feelings aside sometimes, but, can't everyone else meet us halfway?

November of 2005, I was very pregnant with M. One day, I pulled up to my parent's home, to see that they had the male half of a couple friend of theirs. He and his wife had lost twins the year before. When I saw that he was there, I could feel my concern form. I actually sat in the car for a moment before getting out, thinking about how I didn't want to upset him with my very large belly. I decided there was really nothing I could do, and in the true fashion of the uninitiated, I hoped that since a year had passed, it wouldn't bother him so much. I decided to make sure not to talk about M in front of him. All seemed fine till at one point, my dad called me out to the living room to have me tell his friend what we decided to name the baby, etc. I remember being annoyed with my dad, thinking his friend probably didn't want to hear, or even care. I quickly answered and moved the conversation to other topics.

I don't tell that story to hold myself up as some wonderful person who "got" it before it even happened to me. Because I still didn't get it. Not really. I tell the story just to illustrate that it is possible for people to be more sensitive to us, even if they have no idea what we are going through. It isn't too much to ask of them not to flaunt their fertility or living babies, or expect us to coo and gawk endlessly at their wonderful children, or to be interested in their thriving pregnancies. Why is this so hard for people? And what is a good balance?

Perspective

2007-12-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

I had a few problems with work today. I won't get into the details, but to sum it up quickly, it looks like they will pretty much do anything to avoid paying my benefits while I am on leave, meaning I will have to pay for my medical during any time I take off work to have a baby. Which means at a time when our income will go down, I will have an extra expense. I swear, if you heard them, you would honestly believe they think women should just work on Tuesday, have baby on Wednesday, work on Thursday. It's really my fault, for being half time, not full time. See, they talk a good game about how they offer half timers the same benefits as full time, but other than the medical (which you can be in danger of losing if you go one millisecond under half time hours) you don't really qualify for anything else. Oh well, if I end up not qualifying for their 70% of pay disability plan, with no medical benefits, I am pretty sure I will qualify for some form of pay through the state. The funny thing is, Mr. g and I were not worried about the paycheck, we knew we could live a few weeks with just his. We were more worried about taking on the cost of my medical benefits. Thank goodness for our small (very small) savings, it makes me feel a little more secure.

As I tried to deal with this today, I could feel a bit of stress coming on. I could feel myself get fired up about how unfair I think my work is being. Like I need more reminders life is unfair. I think that is why these types of situations push my buttons so much, I don't need those reminders. Soon though, I felt myself calming. I realized I just didn't care. Not only did I not care, it was a pointless venture. I am not going to change their policies today. I have no fight in me. Now of course I care, but what I mean is, I started thinking, "I just want a living baby" Screw the money, the benefits, that will work itself out, somehow. I can stress about that when I have a breathing, squirmy infant in my arms. Seriously. I had to work at it a bit, but truly, I decided I didn't want to spend anymore time thinking about it. I got my answer, I want to wash my hands of it. Because what I care about, what I want to think about, is getting my baby girl here alive. That is it. I want my complete and total focus to be on that one issue right now. It helped. It really helped. Screw my work, I got bigger, much bigger things to spend my brain matter on. Whoever thought there was a "zen zone" in dead baby mom perspective?

ETA to add: Well, reading my disability handbook at work today, "if" I get approved, they will cover my benefits during the disability. If I decide I want a little longer with baby girl, then I will pay. Not too bad, as it least that would be less of a financial burden. I was told by someone who works in HUMAN RESOURCES that he didn't think disability covered benefits. Don't you just love competant employees? Oh, and just to let you guys know, I don't work for a company, I work for the city government. Does this explain this better?

How I cope and the crazy thing I did

2007-12-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

So, after 2 days of feeling a lot of stress over the decisions I have to make, I came up with a coping technique. Today, I am 35 weeks and 6 days. They are not doing the version right now. They are not going to deliver me right now. So, I just need to get through the next week or so before I really have to decide anything. I'm trying to quiet my mind until then. It kills me to think of going to 39 weeks, c-section or vaginal birth. But, like I said, I am not close enough for them to take her at this point anyway. Around 37+ weeks, I will cover that ground. Not a very impressive coping technique, right? Well, heck, it's all I could come up with.

Now, the crazy thing I did. I, who can barely even go to the baby section in a store, went to that baby crazed happy place, B.abi.es R. U.s. I know, I know, I can't believe it myself. Here is how it happened- I had my NST this morning, and was trying to run some errands afterwards. One of the stores I wanted to go to is across the way from the B store, and I showed up 20 minutes too early, they were not open yet. So, rather than sit in my car, I decided to go in. I think what made it possible were two things. One, it was very early, and not very many people were there. Two, I had a very specific reason. I know the car seat I want, and was planning to order it online and have it sent to my mom's to avoid the whole public buying of baby items. However, after reading some online reviews, a few people had mentioned the fact that the seat was larger than some models and may not work well in a small car. Not only is my car compact, but only a 2 door. (yes, I want to change that, but it just isn't possible right now) I had a vision of struggling to wiggle a car seat out of my tight backseat, and decided I needed to actually see the seat in person. So, the B store is a good place for this.

It wasn't too bad, actually. And I looked at some other items while I was there, but didn't buy anything. I came close, but honestly, I think I didn't buy anything not for emotional reasons, but because I wasn't certain I wanted some of the items I found, and decided to think about it more. The only bad thing was that I did stay in there long enough to see the store get more crowded with the mommys and their babies crowd. I felt a little freakish, kept thinking of my car in the parking lot with its pregnancy and infant loss rememberance ribbon. I know that I don't know any of these women's historys. I mean, they could have had losses, but it is hard to talk yourself out of the freak feeling.

I'm glad it wasn't a bad experience and that no one talked to me. (so not ready for that!) I might be able to go back and get the seat and save myself shipping and handling.

Prayers in the night

2007-12-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

I went to church with my grandma until about 12 or 13 years old. Then, entering teenage land, I lost interest, and realized I didn't agree with a lot of what they taught. I had issues with the role of women, and the whole sin issue. I could never figure out how if Jesus/God was supposed to be so forgiving, he was always casting you out for various infractions, including the seemingly narcissistic one (at least to me) of not accepting him.

As the years went by, however, I started coming back to the concept of faith. By the time I was in my last year of high school, I had come up with my own beliefs. I decided I wasn't into worshipping Jesus, but merely God only. I just couldn't see worshipping someone who literally walked the earth. My faith was that because I couldn't prove that God was truly around. In my mind, God was also extremely forgiving, and didn't need formal worship. One should just have some kind of relationship with God. And like all relationships, well, no, it wasn't always going to be pretty. God was related to Mother Nature for me, after all, how can you see the beautiful things nature has, and the destruction it can cause and not believe in some higher power? I believed in heaven, but not hell. And the big one-I believed in balance of the universe, that though bad things happened, there was some cosmic reason that we often could not understand. Now, don't get me wrong, it isn't as though I would hear bad news, and just blindly go, "God works in mysterious ways" no, I argued with him, asked why many times. But in the end, I believed a balance in the universe would occur and that God did have a hand in many events.

Then, M died. And my beliefs just didn't fit into that anymore. I was so angry with God. Then, I would stop being angry, and just decide maybe the whole faith thing was a crock. Because, if God did have a hand in M's death, well, I couldn't believe in him anymore, I just couldn't. And as I became exposed to so many grieving parents, and on the flip side, the parents who don't care for their children, yet have healthy, thriving, living children, I would rage at him, and watch my belief in balance of the universe shatter and crumble to pieces.

Almost 2 years, and I haven't gotten it figured out yet. I have been trying to change my beliefs. To believe that God isn't that involved in the day to day, but is there for us. To guide, to comfort, to give us something bigger than this earth to believe in, to watch over our loved ones until we are reunited. But, I haven't been able to fully integrate these new beliefs into my life yet. I still struggle. I haven't prayed in almost a full two years. Oh, I tried to talk to God a few times, but became so angry, that I never finished. I always ended up saying to him, "what am I asking you for? you don't have control!! the world is crap!" End of conversation. I now must believe that God didn't take my son, cause me to miscarry. I have to. If I don't, I will never have true faith again. But, the urge is still there, when I feel scared, uncertain, when I want something so badly, that urge to pray, to ask him for it, to ask him to help me get what I need.

I had a tough day yesterday. I have some decisions to make regarding baby girl. She is breech, should I attempt external version or go right for a c-section? My doctor wants me to wait to 39 weeks. Am I able to do that, or will my anxiety be too much, and I should insist on earlier? Decisons, decisions. And I think many of you who read this know why these decisions trouble me. What if I pick the wrong one, and she dies? What if I do the version, and she dies? What if I decide I can wait till 39 weeks, and she dies at 38? It isn't rational, but there it is. I felt so overwhelmed yesterday with these thoughts, I almost couldn't believe it, but I felt the urge to talk with God. Not in the way I have been struggling, not in order to ask him outright to keep her alive, but just to find peace. I started to feel that I wanted that peace that faith can give you. So, in the middle of the night, last night, I prayed. It was clumsy, and I kept forgetting to focus, but I did it. I guess I did ask God for something, I asked him for guidance, for peace, for the ability to make a decision and be okay with it, to not question myself, to accept whatever comes next. But in the asking, I was trying hard not to make him responsible for what happens next, just to know that I could feel that faith, that I could still have a safe place to fall if things did go horribly wrong.

I won't pretend it was great, it wasn't. I don't know that I felt better at all, afterwards. But it did ground me a bit, even just for the moment.

Replacement

2007-12-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

I had some interesting thoughts today as I crossed the parking lot walking back to my car from the NST. I passed a car that had one of those family stickers, where every member of the family has a stick figure representing them. Under the people stickers, it said, "our blessings". Let me tell you, just by glance, one could see that they have a lot of blessings. My eyes fell to their license plate frame which read-"6 girls, 2 boys". Wow. 8 kids. Both Mr. g and I are from 5 each, and that seems like a lot.

I realized, as I kept walking, that I was feeling waves of jealousy. Ever since M died, I notice I have felt envy at large families, envy at people who started younger, who have many years to create a large family. Might make you think I always wanted a large family, right? Nope. Actually, I have never been sure of what I wanted, and in fact, spent a few years not sure I wanted children at all. It certainly wasn't something Mr. g and I ever pursued with a passion in our 20's. We always had a whatever happens, happens, attitude, although honestly, we have that about many things.

So, what is going on? I lose M, and all of a sudden I want 8 kids? That is why I titled this post replacement. I can never replace M. NEVER. He is missing from our family, I feel that so sharply day in, day out. I have heard/read many other women who have lost a baby express similiar feelings. They cannot replace the baby they lost. Period. So, no, I don't mean that kind of replacement. I think I mean, just replacement of the possibility of laughter and happiness. I think somewhere, deep in my mind, I start to believe that if I can just have many happy endings to many more pregnancies, it will help somehow. It isn't true, of course. I believe it is just the hole in my heart, still struggling to fill up, somehow.

In my thinking, it probably also relates to the jealousy I feel over people who just have their family, no roadblocks or sudden stop signs were thrown in in their path. Get pregnant=bring home baby, in their world. I believed that was the way it was going to be for me too, until I learned it wasn't. I never once entertained even the idea that I would struggle to create my family. Stillbirth? NO WAY. That was one that never entered my mind. Miscarriage? Thought of that, but didn't think it would happen to me. Stupidly naive, wasn't I?

But back to 8 kids. It's almost funny when I feel these feelings. I don't think I really want that at all. Nevermind the fact that we couldn't afford it, and Mr. g would have a severe breakdown if I even suggested it. (He keeps saying if baby girl comes home, he's done, but that is another post) Also, to be totally frank, I haven't parented a living child yet. Maybe I won't like it enough to do it again, who knows? Replacement. That is what hit me today. Except I know, logically, not even 20 children could fill the hole in my heart for one.

Speechless

2007-11-27T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not really speechless, just at a loss for words that can describe my emotions of the past few weeks. I've started a hundred posts in my head recently, that I just don't have to heart to actually write. I realize how dark they all sound. How easily my terror slips through the words.

I am now just past the point of where I lost M. It doesn't make me feel better, just slightly less assaulted by memories. In some ways, I could call it worse. Now, I am even closer to that elusive ribbon, the finish line, where on the other side is a living baby. I want to cross that, but I can't picture it.

I have the most morbid thoughts. I am almost ashamed to admit them. I start to plan, in my head, some coping techniques, you know, *just in case*. The part that scares me is, I don't know how I would survive. Of course, if you had asked me before M, could I survive my baby dying and giving birth to him, I probably would have answered no. I guess part of what scares me is the urge to let myself get sucked into a deep dark hole and just disappear would be very strong. It was strong when M died, but honestly, Mr. g and to a somewhat lesser extent, my family, kept me from doing it. I had to *cope* in one way or the other, because I felt a responsibility not to add to their grief and worry. And while others may disagree with me, I don't see that as a bad thing. Whatever gets you out of bed in the morning, you know. But if it were to happen a second time, ahhh, well, I'm not sure that would be enough. I once read an article on grief and the author claimed one of the top worries was, "Will I survive?" And as somewhat selfish and narcissistic as that sounds, I found that to be true. I experienced many a moments where I wasn't quite sure I would come out the other side. Frankly, I am not sure I have. Everyday could bring something new.

See? I start to write my dark feelings, and re-reading it scares me. I'm living with them everyday, but seeing them written down, in public no less, frightens me. Then mother guilt kicks in, and I feel the need to apologize to baby girl for essentially planning her death. But it is all I know.

Yesterday, at the doctor's, one of the nurses started talking to me about preparing for breastfeeding. She's right, it would be better if I learned more about it in advance. Scares me though, everything scares me. I started reading breastfeeding books with M before I even got out of the first trimester, if you can believe that. Hopefully, some of that stuff has stuck with me, just in case I can't make myself do it.

I try to be forgiving with myself, give myself permission to feel what is, no matter how *crazy* it feels. I mean, so what I can't read about breastfeeding yet? So what I haven't bought a dang thing? That is what younger sisters are for, to run out and buy stuff while you are in the hospital. I need to remind myself that none of that means I am not bonding with baby girl. I'm bonded, she just doesn't own stuff. I try to make a joke of it, saying I am trying for the record of *Most unprepared mother ever*. I'll probably fall right after those woman who *suddenly* give birth in restroom, claiming they never knew they were pregnant.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T16:49:00.000-08:00

Here we are again. Thanksgiving is another holiday that has become rougher for me. Heck, who am I kidding? This whole damn time of year is rough. Being pregnant is magnifying that roughness too.

I have pictures we took at Thanksgiving when I was pregnant with M. I love them, but they make me sad too since they are the last pictures where I know for sure he was still alive. We took some later, in December, but there is a chance he was already gone then. Thanksgiving marks something for me, in M's timeline. I had just found out he was a dwarf about 2 days before. At Thanksgiving that year, I was just past 31 weeks.

This year, on Thanksgiving, I will be 33 weeks and 6 days. Which is the exact day during M's pregnancy I found out he died, except the date was in December. The timing of it all is a bit much for me. The picture, the age of my babies, the memories.

After M died, I did not, under any circumstances wish to get pregnant around the same time of year following, for fear the memories would eat me alive. It became a non-issue, as Mr. g wasn't ready to try again for some time. When I fell pregnant this time around April, I knew the pregnancy would mimic M's in time of year very closely, and in fact there are just about 3 weeks difference in their due dates. But, I thought it would be fine, being as I was in my second year of empty arms. It has been harder than I thought, and the holiday season makes it harder still. Big, uncomfortable Christmas shopping, I remember this.

On Thanksgiving, my family has a tradition that we go from person to person at the table, and tell what we are thankful for. While pregnant with M, of course I was thankful for him, thankful I found out he was a dwarf, and that it wasn't something more serious for his health. Last year, I burst into tears at my turn. I was feeling so bitter it was hard to be thankful for much. The only thing my heart was truly thankful for was my supportive husband and family, but even that was hard to express in the midst of my hurt and anger. I remember listening to everyone else at the table and dreading my turn.

This year, yes, it may be easier. However, I am still struggling with this. I am truly thankful for the time I had with M. Grateful for every single second, and I wouldn't give one of them back. But, I am still so angry and bitter that I didn't get more. So what do I say at the table? I am thankful for M? I am, but he isn't here, I don't have him now. I am thankful for the time I had with him? I am, but I always want to add, "even though it wasn't nearly enough"

Impressed

2007-11-19T09:51:00.000-08:00

Just returned from my NST. My least favorite nurse there, (and not for anything serious, she just isn't my favorite) impressed me today, and I have more respect for her.

I heard her talking to a pregnant woman next to me. At one point, the pg. woman mentioned not feeling as much movement because her baby was getting so big. The nurse asked if she was doing her kick counts, and said something along the lines of, "As long as you are getting your kick counts...." The woman admitted she hadn't been doing them because she had been so busy. The nurse's reply? She wasn't mean, or rude, and didn't say anything to make the woman feel bad about it. However, she stressed the importance of doing them, told the woman she knew it was hard to make time, but to think of it as making a date with your baby. Then, she said, "It's really important, ever since we started this, it has shown to lower the chances of stillbirth"

I was impressed she even used the word stillbirth. Before I lost M, I never once heard any nurse or doctor use the term stillbirth or as they like to call it, inter-uterine fetal death. I never read it in any of the books I read on pregnancy. For her to use the term, to broach the topic so easily, and to use it to educate this woman impressed me. Now, did it make any difference? Probably not, because until it does happen to you, you never in a million years think it could happen to you. But I think the medical establishment needs to start talking more about it.

Of course, as I lay in the next bed, and I heard the woman say she hadn't been doing them, I was alarmed, but not judgemental. How could I be? I was the same, very busy when pregnant with M, and I didn't notice his last movements. I don't know the last day he was alive. That fact still haunts me. When I go to NST, I often lay there thinking how different I am from probably most of the other women there. Today, I knew it.

Grumpy

2007-11-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

I woke up so grouchy today. Here are my reasons:

*It is way to bright in the morning now.
*We are still having 80 degree weather (come on! Its Nov.!)
*My house is a disorganized mess
*My family is driving me nutty lately
*Our money situation is tight right now.
*I am utterly exhausted from the constant checking to see if my baby is still alive

It's the last one that struck me this morning hard. I go to bed worrying about her making it through the night. I wake up in the night and must check on her. When I wake in the morning, the first thing I do is make her move or use my doppler. It is tiring. I find myself having trouble focusing sometimes, when people are talking to me, because instead of listening to them, I am waiting for the next kick. It makes me grumpy that this is my life, my reality. I hear others talk about pregnancy, and it is like we live on different planets. I stare in wonder, can I ever fit in with the natives again?

I thought of the perfect maternity shirt for me. None of that cutesy, "due in Dec!", "Coming this fall!" "BABY!!" crap for me. No, no, my shirt would say:

*Disclaimer: Any resemblance to a normal, sane, rational, happy, excited, or otherwise merrily expectant mother is purely coincidental.

Thanks for listening to my grumps this morning.

Superstition

2007-11-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

As I have mentioned, I started the NST's. I got set up to go Mondays and Thursdays. When I started, I was told they would do their best to schedule the doctor appointments on those days around the same time. Makes sense, but it just so happened that for this week, by the time I made my doctor appt., they only had one slot left. Friday morning. Fine with me, I don't care.

On Monday, during my NST, the nurse made sure I had my Thurs. appt., and then asked when I would see my doctor. I told her Friday. She fussed a bit, commenting on the extra day. I told her it was the only time left, and that I didn't mind at all. She said, it didn't make sense, and why didn't I just reschedule my NST for Friday. She said it would be no problem, especially in my case, because I am in high-risk, which is literally across the room from the NST. She said if a woman is seeing a doctor in another clinic, it doesn't really matter, but for high risk, they will juggle schedules around so that a person doesn't have to drive out twice. Like I said, makes sense, and it appears she is just trying to help me out.

I can't do it. I can't change appointments. I need to go when I am supposed to go, and that is that. I cannot put off for a day something that checks baby girl's health. I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but this pregnancy has brought it out in me. All I could think was, and if something bad happens, it will be my fault, cause I waited a day.

I have reasons for these feelings. I could actually give a few examples, but one memory that stands out is my NST's with M. See, when he first measured small, around 30 weeks, they booked me for NST's. I went to 2 of them, then got in to see a high risk doctor. My NST's for that week and next were already booked, the next one being Thanksgiving morning. At that high risk appointment was when we found out about his dwarfism, found out that everything was fine, that he was perfectly healthy, and normal size considering his stature. And you know what? I asked the doctor if I still needed the NST's. ME. I did it. And she said no, because he was fine, just a dwarf. So, my appointments were canceled. The next doctor appointment he was gone. I don't know if any words can accurately capture the guilt and the "if only...." that goes along with that fact. Why? Why did I say anything? Why? At the time, I just didn't think I needed them. I completely believed everything was going to be fine, and why have more intervention, when the reason I was booked for them was no longer there? Or at least, I thought it was no longer there. I mean, he measured small, they thought it might be a case of IUGR, intra-uterine growth restriction, but it turned out to be his dwarfism. I am not so sure now, not as sure as I was, because he was on the small side, and I will never stop wondering, but that is another post.

But I can't reschedule an appointment. Period. I will be there Thanksgiving morning, filled with heartache, memories of how I should have been there that same day for M consuming me, but I will be there. Because I can't not be there.

Back to the nurse. When I told her I appreciated it, but no thank you, I would keep things as they were, she laid it on thick. NO, NO, it is a waste of gas and your time, you must change it! I let her babble on, and said nothing. Then she said, if you change it, you can just start coming next week Tues. and Fri, and then you don't have to come on Thanksgiving. I told her I work Fridays, and it is probably better to keep it as it is. She gave me a look, and a okay......with huff. Although I was being very polite, I totally confused her with my lack of flexibility on this matter.

As I was leaving, she said, "now just stop at the reception desk, and tell them you need to change Thurs to Fri" I smiled at her and kept walking, right on down the hall, past the reception desk to the elevator. I have my reasons, and she can stuff it, although the exchange made me wonder, what is it with me and pushy people? People reading this blog probably think I am way too passive, but I swear to you all, I tell people No Thank You pretty clearly, I just stay polite. It doesn't seem to work, I feel surrounded by people who just don't let it go, long after I have answered them.

There is my superstition. I can't change appointments. If I am supposed to be there Tues, I am coming Tues. If I had to drive there five days a week, I would. I don't care. I don't want another "if only....." in my head.

I threw a fit

2007-11-07T09:59:00.001-08:00

No, really. In trying to think of a title for this post, that was it, the one that works, I did in fact throw a fit. I am actually a little embarrassed to share this story. Last night I had one of those, "I am totally out of control" moments, and nothing I felt or was doing bore any resemblance to sanity or rationality. I'm trying to forgive myself, and remind myself that this entire pregnancy I have been very fragile, and doing my best to hold it together.

It started last night as Mr. g and I were doing laundry. Remember this neighbor? Oh yeah, it was her again, SHE'S BAAAAACK!!!!!! It started the same way as last time, with me hearing "Excuse me!" behind my back. Mr. g was a few feet ahead of me on our walkway, and this time, I completely ignored her. She had to say it four times before I finally, reluctantly turned around. Mr. g started to turn at the third time, but as soon as he realized she was talking to me, went ahead into the laundry room. (yes, I was annoyed at that, but we will get to that later)

She started to ask me about baby things, and what I needed etc. I really tried to just be vague and not say much, but I swear I am so unprepared to discuss this pregnancy in public with people, my brain and my mouth don't cooperate with each other. Basically, I was just feeling trapped and uncomfortable. Remember, this girl DOES NOT speak to me at any other time. She has a little girl, maybe 2 years old. So the gist of the conversation was her trying to give me stuff. I basically did say, "thanks, but no thanks" but somehow she was still going to offload her carseat. In the end, she brought it into the laundry room while we were still loading up our baskets. I quickly grabbed the baskets, so that Mr. g would have to take the seat. I was feeling like I was having an out of body experience, and had been ever since the conversation started.

We head back up to the house, with me feeling 12 kinds of awful.I was hurrying to get up the stairs because I could already feel my tidal wave of emotion. As I was stepping with Mr. g behind me, another neighbor actually came out of his house to ask Mr. g if we had had the baby! That turned into some conversation where Mr. g was telling him how we had to get ready, etc. I didn't hear all of that because I had reached the door and went inside.

I felt sick. Especially at the last part, where they thought we had a baby because of Mr. g holding the seat. It was the tone in the voice that got me. Happy, expectant. Inside, as we started to fold, the tears came. At this point, I wasn't sure exactly what my feelings were, just that they were starting to overtake me. The tears led into a conversation with Mr. g about what was bothering me, at first I told him I wasn't going to talk about it because I knew he wouldn't get it. At this point, I was thinking of throwing the damn seat in the car and driving it over to my mom's. I didn't even want it in the house. After some prodding, I finally told Mr. g some of my feelings. Let's just say that didn't go well. He loves when people are "positive" for us. I want them to leave me and my pregnancy alone. One good thing that came out of our conversation was I got in touch with some specifics of feeling. I started to feel anger. Raw, out of control anger. When Mr. g said, "people are just trying to be helpful" my response, "yes, and those same people will say nothing to me if she dies, they will feel so uncomfortable, I will have to deal with their silent pitying looks just like when M died. I will be the lady who lost the babies, but now, oh when its happy, they feel free to talk!" Bingo. There was a big part of my rage. Like I said, the conversation didn't end well, it ended with me shouting, "I knew you would not get it! Next time I tell you I don't want to talk about it, let me be!"

First, I spent some time in the bathroom crying. I knew I was quite literally out of control, emotionally that is. I could feel it. I don't claim any rationality here. After a short bathroom crying stint, my rage was still bubbling over. I put on a huge sweatshirt, (thinking I would go back to trying to hide the belly, HA HA) grabbed the seat, took it the garage, and....are you ready for this? Threw, yes THREW it across the garage in fit worthy of most of the four year olds I know. Then with door slightly propped open, I pulled out one of my beach chairs and watched the night through the garage door for awhile.

I eventually calmed a bit. So many things were going through my mind. I already knew why I was angry, and in the conversation with Mr. g I figured out a few other things too. I tried to tell him, I just need to do things on my own time, I don't need people (whom I barely know) to force me into anything. It's different when discussing *hope* with Mr. g or family, they will be there no matter the outcome. I was also mad at myself. Why didn't I just say the shocking truth? "I'm waiting to make sure my baby will live before I start getting stuff, but thanks!" When I was crying, it was also just all my sadness over losing M, and all my fear of losing his sister bubbling to the top. I keep it together the best I can, but basically, I think losing him and being pregnant again....well, lets just say I'm not the most well adjusted person I know right now. I couldn't help it, I kept thinking, and what if she doesn't come home, do I give the seat back? On top of that, I am a very private person, if I want to talk about something with you, I will bring it up. This whole neighbor thing is driving me crazy. We don't talk, even about innocent topics like the damn weather, but you want to talk about my baby? Note, singular, baby, because god forbid I upset you by bringing up my dead baby.

As I sat in the garage, I sobbed out apologies to M for not being able to keep him alive, for not even knowing when he died, even though he was right there, inside of me. I also ended up apologizing to baby girl for behaving that way, as though she wasn't coming home, and throwing something that could be *hers*. That isn't uncommon for me to turn it all into my sorrow and guilt over losing M. Whenever something happens that brings the emotions to the surface, I start to think maybe there is a lot I haven't dealt with. A lot I still need to get out about M dying. All those feelings are always right under the surface. I also started to think about how ungrateful I was. There are people out there who can barely afford a carseat, and here I am being given one, and I behave that way. However, I will say, emotions aside, I am not one hundred percent comfortable with a used carseat whose history I don't know. Now I don't know what to do with it. Use it or no? Honestly, everytime I think about it I feel way to emotional, but that seems like such a childish reason not to use it.

*Sigh* I knew it would be hard to admit to my *craziness*.

When I finally went upstairs, Mr. g was doing dishes. He always does housework when we have a tiff, whether to get on my good side, or because he just doesn't know what to do with himself, I don't know. We didn't really talk too much about it except he apologized for not understanding. I told him I didn't really care, but I didn't want to sit and explain it either. Oh, and also from now on, if he was so gung ho on this crap, he can talk to the damn neighbors and leave me out of it. Easier said than done, since generally people want to talk to the woman.

Our neighbor right next to us has never said one word to me about my belly. I love her.

I miss M so much, how do people go on with this as their life?

Parental Rules

2007-11-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

As I was filling the car with gas today, I saw a young family leave the mini mart attached to the gas station, the mom holding their infant daughter and the dad holding the infant carseat. I guess that is what made me notice them and continue watching. It seemed odd that they took the seat into the mini mart. I mean, how long were they in there? I watched them get in the car, and instead of buckling the seat in, the dad tossed it in the back, and the mom climbed in holding the infant. Then, they drove off.

I know I sound naive, but it shocked me. It shocks me that in this day and age, people don't always buckle up their kids. I couldn't help but continue to stare at them as they pulled out of the parking lot. I have done a post about the importance my mother placed on accepting the consequences to your actions. Well, buckling up was one of the rules my dad was very strict about. Actually, that was one both mom and dad were hardcore about. But I think it probably orginated from my dad. He was a police officer a good portion of my young life, and I can still hear him saying, "I've seen too many dead kids in the road....." If I was ever riding with a friend's family anywhere, my mother would talk to their mother and drive home the point that I must have a seat belt. When I was not very old, I remember my mother telling me I must make sure I got a seat belt, if for some reason there were not enough, I was to make sure I was one of the people who got one. Sounds somewhat cold, I know, but my mother is the orginal animal mother, fierce in the protection and safety of her young. When my younger sister came along, I remember a few times she would throw a fit as a toddler because she didn't want to get in her seat. My parents would sit calmly in the driveway and wait for her to finish. The car's engine didn't turn over till she stopped and got strapped in. As a teenager, I broke the rule once. (yes, I was a *good girl* {until I wasn't anyway} who took many of my parent's rules seriously) Honestly, when I got a ride home with no seat belt, I could only think of two things: 1. Please god don't let us happen to pass my parents on the street and 2. If we do get into an accident, I better die, cause I don't want to have to tell them I wasn't wearing a belt.

Interestingly enough, after I met Mr. g, I saw that almost none of his family wore seat belts. Including him. When we started dating, his brother had a two year old, and brother-in-law and sister-in-law would often not put son in a seat for the drive home if he fell asleep wherever we were at. I remember going places with them, and being horribly uncomfortable at the sight of their son in mommy's lap. When their son was 5, they had another child, and I have never witnessed that behavior from them again, from that time on. I have no idea what caused the shift. Mr. g wears his now too, though that was directly from my influence. I never nagged or pushed, but he knew how I felt about it. I use to tease him that I was going to take him to my parents and make my dad give him the "dead kids on the street" talk. Within probably a year of our dating, he had picked up the habit of always buckling up, thank goodness. I *think* most of his family does it now too. I know his mom still doesn't. However, knowing and having seen his family in action, I do worry if I ever have a living child at home, will I ever really want to let my child go somewhere with them? I could do a whole other post on my in-laws and their lack of common sense for things that I think should be obvious. The good news is they know me, and probably would always buckle my child up for fear of suffering my wrath if I found out they didn't.

I don't get the no seat belt thing. You can't protect your child from so many things in this world. Why not do the simple and easy things you can to keep them safe? It's no hassle, it doesn't cost more, it doesn't hurt to buckle them up.

These were all the things that ran through my mind this afternoon. And, may I ask permission from Niobe to borrow from her? I love how she ends many of her posts with questions, and I love to read the answers. So I am going to be a copycat today, and end with this: What rule or rules do you remember being drilled into your head? Do you agree with them, or now that you are an adult, think your parents were crazy?

When I start to believe....

2007-11-04T23:17:00.001-08:00

I scare myself. Yes, lately I find myself actually believing baby girl is coming home, that she will live. I can tell myself that this is an excellent development, after all, why not? Is believing she will die better? No. However, when we start to imagine our life with her, (and we have!) a fear grips my heart. I've suprised myself by not being able to turn off the belief, even as the fear invades me. I just live with belief and fear in one big tangled mess.

Honestly, I haven't even figured out this confusing mess of feelings. So this will be a very short post, but I wanted to touch on this quickly anyway, to at least start trying to figure out how to cope with this.

Dia De Los Muertos

2007-11-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

Today and yesterday was Dia de los Muertos the Mexican holiday where the dead come back to visit their loved ones. It is traditionally a happy holiday, one to honor and remember your dead.

Over the years, Mr. G and I have made an altar or ofrenda usually for my grandma and his grandpa. Last year, of course, included M. We didn't make one this year, I am trying hard not to feel guilty about that. For some reason, I just couldn't get it together enough. I have certain days I like to light a candle for M and this holiday is one. I love the idea that it is a celebration, and not a mourning period. One day, I think today, is generally set aside for children, and it is traditional to put candy on the altar. My favorite part of the altars are the papel picado, where designs are cut out of brightly colored paper. I never knew how to do it, until this year, when I found a book on it at the library. I can't wait to make some for next year.

It is also part of the tradition to make
I shouldn't feel guilty for not getting my stuff together and making an altar. After all, I believe M knows he is in my heart and thoughts everyday of the year. But it is nice to have tradition and ritual to include him in, since I can't make his presence felt to the outside world on a day to day basis.

Next year, I'll make a grand altar.

Tougher than I thought

2007-11-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

Halloween was a bit rough. I am honestly still taken by surprise at how meloncholy I can suddenly become. After all, I have already made it through the year of "Firsts". The first year of all those holidays I should have been having so much fun with him, and I wasn't. So, I am never prepared for the repeat sadness. Seeing little ones in their cute little outfits did something to me yesterday. I should count my blessings, because in our actual neighborhood, we don't get a lot of tricker or treaters, so once I got home for the evening, my exposure to the kids was toned down.

I also was thinking about my m/c yesterday. Another surprise for me, wasn't expecting that either. My m/c took place just days before Halloween, and I was remembering how depressed I was on Halloween day last year. I went to my mom's that evening after work, thinking family company would be better, but that was a huge mistake. Her neighborhood has a fair amount of young children, my sister's friend actually came by with her little brother, and, to top it off, my other sister informed me that my ex-boyfriend had called to "see how everyone was" a few days prior. His wife was about to have their first baby. That was last year, so this year, I was determined to stay away from my mom's. Like I said, I was really surprised how down I felt yesterday. The good news is, once I made it home, my heart felt better. Home can be such a safe place for me. I put back into the living room some photos of M that I had removed due the fires. I was waiting for the fires to be more fully contained before I started unpacking all I had packed. Last night seemed like a good time. I missed seeing M's little face while I sit in the living room.

Retreat

2007-10-31T08:54:00.001-07:00

Thank you to all of you who reminded me that this was my blog, to let out whatever I so choose. Having said that, I think I will hold off on my explosive post. It is just something I need to turn over in my mind more. The truth is, I think I do want to post in the hopes of getting forgivness or comments that say, "don't feel so bad...." and I am not sure that is a good reason to expose myself so much. I keep thinking I should be able to deal with this, I should figure it out.

Please don't start hating me for being so cryptic, but this does have to do with my medical history, so that is why is still comes up. I'm sure some of you will have guesses as to what it could be, but guesses are not knowledge, so I am okay with that. I am angry and upset because I don't know why it still gets mentioned. I had my first NST the other day, and it got brought up, and not only that, it was written on this little sticker they stick to your baby's heartrate chart! Why??? I get why I might need to discuss this with my doctor, one on one, but not in a lot of other instances. What a lot of this comes down to is my fear. See, my mom doesn't know this about me, and she is the one that has mostly accompanied me on doctor visits this pg. due to Mr. g's current job situation. So, will this be an issue at all NST's? Can I not bring my mom? And what should I tell her, about why I don't need her to come anymore?

This fear is something that has come up before. When I had my m/c, (almost exactly a year ago to the day, by the way) both Mr. g and my mom were sitting in the pre-op area with me before my d and c. It was a room lined with curtains, between each bed, similiar to the NST room, now that I think about it. Privacy? HA! Just before the doctor came into my curtain, a nurse came and informed me I was only allowed one person with me. My mom left so Mr. g could stay. Literally seconds later, the doc comes in, starts talking to me, and says, "I see you have.............(fill in blank). Ummmm....yeah, it that really that pertinent here? I remember in the midst of my sadness over my m/c feeling utter relief that my mom had just left.

I'm sure some of you don't understand this. I mean, really, I am a grown woman, right? And I still shake with fear over my mother finding out something about me that was well over 10 years ago? I know, I know, for those of you who think this, you so have a point. But the bottom line is, I don't want her to know.

This is partially why I am so upset. Does this really have to come up, over ten years later, on my daughters NST readout? I had a long talk with Mr. g last night, and while I love talking to him, he did the typical man "solve the problem" thing. He suggested I tell question the nurses and ask that that not be on there. Yeah, I could, but at the same time, I don't really want to draw even more attention to it. What I'd really like to do is change it so that that wasn't part of the equation. Why are we talking about this? Will it change my treatment? I can say with absolute certainty NO. However, it might change they way I am personally treated by some hospital staff.

I hate that this bothers me so much. I hate, hate that it is there. I hate that I feel like I will pay for the rest of my life. I hate that I have such a problem leaving the past behind and not letting it bother me so much.

Mr. g asked me last night, "Does it bother you, as in YOU personally?" Truthfully, I don't think so. I have made a lot of peace with it for myself. But it is private and personal and no, I don't want to deal with others judging. And this is something others judge quickly. Very quickly. And it is one of those things, that like loss, is a deep and hurtful reminder of how damn unfair life is. I struggle with that enough. I don't need 10+ year old reminders.

I hate that this has been bothering me since Monday. Damnit, I really need to shell out for that therapy, don't I?

Fires and Grief

2007-10-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days, watching the news, I became struck by something. I feel our community doing the moving on bit that people love so much during tragedy. The fires are not yet fully contained, but besides the few quick updates on their status, what you mostly hear on our local tv news and radio stations, are tidbits on how wonderfully everyone responded, how many people are back home, how the football team with still play in our hometown, even with the bad air. In fact, a few days before the game, one newscaster said, and I quote, "The big question on everyone's mind is- Will the team play in town on Sunday?" THAT was the big question?

It got me thinking about the people who did lose a home, pets, and those few unfortunate enough to know the human victims of the fires. It isn't over for them, not even close. Their journey is just beginning. It reminded of when M died. See, after the initial grief of finding out and him being born, it was over for many people. They went home, lived a normal day. Mr. G and I had barely taken our first step on the path. Not only that, we are still on that path and will probably always be, in some way or another. Now, no one can truly live your life, feel your feelings, walk in your shoes, so it makes sense that this is the way it is. Why wouldn't everyone go home to live a normal day, a normal life? It isn't their pain, no matter how badly they feel for you. At the same time, it makes me sad that our society is always in such a race to *move on*, *have closure*, get past the tragedy and go back to discussing fun things like football games. That attitude is what leaves the grieving and hurting feeling so far behind, so isolated. It must be why I have heard so many grieving people question their pain, question its validity. The flames still burn, but many people get to pretend they don't feel the heat.

*********************************

I am contemplating a post with the potential to cause explosions. It is a topic that many people feel strongly about, that many judge about. However, it is something that I have struggled with many times in the past almost 2 years. And something happened today to bring it to my attention once again. I am still turning over in my mind my reasons for wanting to post about this. It is something I have tried very hard to move on from, to forget as best I could. I don't talk about it in real life, so why here? Do I want to post for me, for others who may have a similiar issue, or (and this is the one I am truly afraid of) to seek forgiveness, to have people tell me it is okay? And that last one may not happen, if I open this door, in fact, I may get the opposite. Judging damnation from an unforgiving public.

So, to tread lightly on the post I am contemplating, do you have a past? Or a secret? Is it something no one would ever guess about you? Something people don't think fits their image of you? And does anything in your past make you feel sorry for yourself, that your things are something that must sometimes be noted, that can't be forgotten, while others have pasts far dirtier, but that they can hide forever? Yours is an almost physical presence, you can't truly run from it? Just wondering.

Fire

2007-10-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

I live in Southern California. There are many, many things to love about living here, but the dry Santa Ana winds every year are not one of them. We had a serious fire almost 4 years ago to the day. The fires we are experiencing now are so much worse and affecting so many more areas.

We use to live right by the coast. The beach always felt like protection, and no matter how dry it became, it was hardly ever that dry by the ocean. Now we live in an inland valley. We left our house Monday night, because I could see fire snaking down a nearby mountain where we have hiked, and Mr. G has ridden his bike. We were not under a mandatory evacuation order, but I saw that fire, and the stress just wasn't worth it. We were very lucky, we came home by Tuesday night. Though the fires still burn, firefighters seem to be gaining control, slowly, but surely. It helps that the winds have quieted.

Now I sit in my very closed up house, trying to avoid breathing the smoky air. I was outside a good portion of Mon to Tues. and I think I breathed in enough smoke that hopefully baby girl will never have the urge to take up the habit.

I'm sure it goes without saying that one of my main concerns while packing up things to take were my memory box and things of M's. I actually didn't even think of clothes until my mother mentioned it. There I was, ready to go, with only M's things and our photos. By yesterday, it was pretty safe in my area, but the paranoia stayed with me, and I put the boxes of M's things in my trunk, while I went to work. I can't imagine how I would feel if something happened to his stuff. Which is funny in a way. I've already lost him, what could be worse?

I wanted to explain why I haven't visited any blogs or been able to comment. Hopefully, now I will catch up. Please keep the people in my county in your thoughts. So, so many homes have been lost and not everybody did get a chance to take memories.

Some thoughts with a very small update

2007-10-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

I don't have any organized coherent post today, so I am just going to go through some thoughts of mine. I am just so happy my computer has finally stopped giving me problems and I can sign in once again!!

*A very small update on doctor's office- After my last appointment, I was to make my first Nov. appt. with nurse-midwife, but the Nov. schedule was not open at that time. I had to call this week. Since I don't see the doctor until Tues., I decided when I called, just to tell the receptionist I needed my appointment with the doctor. That worked, it isn't like she had a note saying, "next appt. must be with NM". Also, my appointment was supposed to be in the week of Nov. 5th. However, the receptionist was having trouble with that week, so she booked me for Nov. 1st. That would be about a week after my Oct. appt. with doctor. I want weekly's anyway! What luck....

*More thoughts on doctor- I know for sure I will be asking the doctor 2 main things next visit. Can I start coming in every week? Can I just book with her for the rest of the pg.? Depending on her answers, we will go from there. I have decided that if she questions in any way my need to see her, I will just let her know the nurse midwife and I don't communicate well. I don't see the need to get into the whole last appointment issues. However, having said that, this is where I get into a small dilemma- the comment NM made about M's weight is really bothering me, and I would like to re-visit that. I need to know if they truly believe his weight was an issue. (which I am sure it wasn't, but if there is any more info to be given on his cause of death, I want to hear it) I also want to ask about baby girls weight. Doesn't it make sense she is bigger with my very early ovulation? All they are using for dating is last mentrual period. Well, I didn't ovulate exactly 2 weeks after. The dilemma part is I am not sure I know how to bring it up without displaying my distaste and anger at the nurse, and I don't really think it will do me good to go there. I guess my main point is, I am the kind of person that likes to get something accomplished without getting people defensive. I'm a big believer in the words and tone you choose can make all the difference...any suggestions on this front?

*I have been having these very complicated guilt feelings. I have been thinking of cleaning out and getting ready our second bedroom for baby girl as a *positive* thinking activity. My first feeling is how scary that is. My second feeling is guilt that I didn't really have much ready for M. I was very busy at the time and planned to start after the holiday season. Then, to add to that guilt, I feel guilty that I am not planning more for baby girl to come home. I feel like if I don't, she won't. I know this isn't logical, but I think there is a secret part of me that feels I jinxed M, by not being more prepared for him. What can I say? I never promised my feelings made sense.

*My other current dilemma is my thinkig I should stay busy in order to focus my thoughts somewhere else besides how long it feels to the end of December. Then I get to thinking, I don't want to be too busy, I need to pay attention to baby girls movements at all times. I am so afraid I will get too distracted and not notice something. This is so hard.

*My boss' niece recently had a baby and my boss has taken to showing me every little cute thing she is buying for her. I play along, and coo at the right times, but I always laugh a little inside. Should I tell her after five minutes in the baby section of a store, I start to have a panic attack and must leave immediately before I vomit?

*I must add, I actually started this post yesterday, my computer freaked on me in the middle and said it must shut down. I got so frustrated I didn't have the heart to come back until this morning. Thank goodness Blogger saves as you go!

Frustration

2007-10-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

*Warning: This post may turn into a very long, angry babbling rant/vent*

I am really, really upset, and I haven't figured out what to do about it yet. I had an appointment with the nurse midwife today. I'm never too thrilled with my appointments with her, because she is the one, who, as I've mentioned, is a bit too Polly.anna for my taste. I don't think she "gets" me. But, it has always been survivable.

When we arrive, I sense how busy they seem, even though I have one of the first appointments of the day. My last visit they had mentioned they were switching to a new computer system this month. When I get in the room, the LVN doesn't not tell me to unclothe, and I also notice there is no u/s machine in the room. I question her, and she says, "Have they been checking your cervix?" Ummmm...yes, not only my cervix, but every single appointment since the beginning has included a quick abdominal u/s to check on baby girl. EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT. The LVN says she will double check and be back. At this point, I don't even hop on to the exam table, thinking some mistake was made and I will be moving rooms.

When the nurse/midwife enters, she says nothing about moving, so I say, "Is there some reason I am not getting an u/s?" NM (nurse/midwife):"Do you think you need one today?" Me (confused) : "Well, I have gotten one every time before" NM: "Well, you just had one on Friday, so I don't think we need to do that today." At this point, I don't know what else to say. I am already feeling a bit speechless. Yes, it is true I had one on Friday, down in radiology, but I have been having those about once a month since 17 weeks, and that never affected me getting a check from the doc or nm before.

She checks on baby girl with a heartrate doppler. (which, I did at home right before I came) and measures my abdomen. At this point I am feeling more unsettled. For this, I drove here? Heck, I could have done most of this from home people!! I thought I was at the HIGH RISK office! She hands me my kick count card and we review doing that.

Now, I had mentioned here before how I was starting to feel more ready to move my appointments closer together. I am now 27 weeks, my appointments are still 2 weeks apart. Fine, but considering they get booked up fast here, I want to start discussing a plan for more watching. I am entering the 3rd trimester, when I lost M, with absolutely no cause of death. My plan is to be as diligent as possible, especially now.

The appointment is starting to end. NM: "Any other questions?" Me: "When do think we might be moving the appointments closer together?" NM: "Oh, probably around the time we start NST's which will be up to the doctor. Has she told you when that might be?" I have a slight sigh and eye roll here, because I don't understand why I have to tell the nurse what the doc said, and vice versa. This has happened once or twice before. But I answer, "Well, she said around 34 weeks, but I was going to revisit that with her, because that feels late to me" (one of the reasons I was a wee bit upset my last appointment) NM: "Hmmm...Yeah, I would say a bit earlier than that." Okay, point in your favor, nurse, but you have already made it clear that doc is the "decider", so I am not sure I should put your opinion in my hope chest yet.

At this point, I am feeling very frustrated, this is now the second appointment where my distinct impression is that "everything is going so well" so they can back off and let nature take its course. This attitude does not sit well with at all. M died when "everything was going so well" Nobody indicated anything was wrong with him, the placenta, NOTHING. Everything was perfect. He just died, 3rd trimester, 5 weeks before he was due. There was one thing, but I have been told over and over and over that this had NOTHING to do with his death. You see, they thought M had achondroplasia. That is the most common form of dwarfism. We see people with achondroplasia walking around every day. There is a show with people who have this on T.LC. They don't die before they are born. They discovered this when M measured small on a u/s. Come to find out, it was just his limbs were shorter than average, which is what this dwarfism is. Average torso, short limbs. This was a few short weeks before his death. They said they wouldn't make the diagnosis for positive until after his birth, but, they were pretty sure. I had nothing to worry about. I remember the doc even took out the measurements of his limbs and then averaged his size, and said he was fine, not too small at all. Yes, he might have some issues after birth, but as far as the pregnancy goes, NOTHING was wrong, come back and see us in 3 weeks. I remember not feeling too comfortable with that. You tell me something is up with my son and I have to wait 3 weeks to check on him again? But I didn't protest, I believed them, went home and read all I could, prepared for the "little person" that was entering our life, cried with worry and fear, became excited at all I thought he would teach and show us about being "different". My next appointment, he was dead.

After his death, they decided they were right, it was achondroplasia, and had nothing to do with his death. The likelyhood that I would have another child with dwarfism was small, since it was random gene mutation. I tell you this partially to explain my frustration at events that have happened since. I cannot tell you the number of times doctors talk to me about M's dwarfism, but not his death. When baby girl kept measuring average, I was to "celebrate" her average size. See? they said, you don't need to worry about that. BUT....I wasn't worried about that. I can't understand why they focus on that, but not the fact that he DIED? I have had to numerous times correct them, tell them, my concern is his DEATH. I have been told over and over the dwarfism had nothing to do with his death. I don't understand why the docs like to talk about that and not his death. My theory is they know more about achondroplasia than stillbirth, and that is why they like to talk about it. What is there to say, when really you need to admit, YOU DON'T KNOW? Keep it to topics you can show off your degree with.

Aaahhh...but I wander....a lot. Back to where I was: feeling frustrated. So at this point in the appointment, I express to nurse basically that we are entering my "danger zone" and I would like to start making plans to maximize my care and watch carefully. If only M had been born early, he probably would have survived. So if there is even a sliver of a chance that by watching more we may catch somthing going on before it leads to death, I am all for it. Understand? I guess she didn't. I don't think she knew what I meant at all, though, asking my mother later if I was clear, my mother said, "I know exactly what you were saying". Want to know what NM said? She gave me a lecture on how of course anniversaries are hard, they are bound to be emotional, and I will feel much better after I pass my "scary point". (What? Ummm...my scary point is so close to the end, I don't see that happening) She then continues to tell me to think positive, think positive thoughts, be happy with all that is going well. She says, "this baby is already bigger than your last baby at this time was, see? that is a good sign, you need to think of that, how positive that is"

End of conversation, I'm speechless, and shut up. Possibly wrong thing to do, but I decide I CAN'T get through to her, have tried, it is pointless. Plus, in my mind, I am just going to speak to the doc about all of this because she is the "decider" after all and seems to "get" me more.

End of appointment.

Here is what really made me mad about the last part. Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you now telling me that M was too small and that had something to do with his death? NO ONE has ever said that he was too small. Besides the dwarfism of course. His weight was FINE. My last appointment the doc mentioned his dwarfism in much the same way. Are they just babbling or what? NO ONE has ever said anything was wrong with M. ANYTHING. So don't sit there and tell me I should be glad baby girl is bigger or doesn't have achondroplasia like that means I can go home, put my feet up, and start buying baby things, cause she isn't going to die! Because according to you people, NOTHING was wrong with M's weight and his achondroplasia has NOTHING to do with his death. How dare they use these issues now to try to reassure me, tell me I shouldn't worry. How dare they. By the way, I know when I ovulated with baby girl, it was VERY early, it makes sense she would weigh more. So, if my next baby is 15 lbs. does that guarantee life? Damn, I'm pissed.

After the appointment, I decided I would write down my issues, make sure to discuss them with doc, and so on. But I feel defeated. I feel I can't change their attitude. But how can they think everything will be fine? I lost M later than I am now. Think, people. I am also questioning my decision to not pursue some of this with the nurse herself. I don't want it to seem I am "tattling" to the doc. But at the time, I truly didn't think I would get anywhere. I am supposed to keep alternating appointments with doc/nurse, but, am questioning that too. Is it too demanding to insist on the doc the rest of the pg? I want to get what I need, explain my side without making my relationship with either of them adversarial. And there lies the problem. How to find the balance. But I will do ANYTHING to keep baby girl safe, I don't think I can let them take a "ease up" attitude. I still can't believe she said that about weight. M's weight was fine, nobody said it was not good enough, either before or after his death. I am so angry that she used that as a "reason" I shouldn't be worried.

For a few hours after leaving, I was all fired up, determined to be more assertive, make a list, address everything with the doc. It must have started to wear on me, or maybe my emotions just caught up with me. I have spent the rest of the day, fighting tears, even at work. Maybe it didn't help that I talked to 15 year old girl at work today, pregnant, thinking how she doesn't have these worries. I want baby girl to stay alive so badly, it consumes me. As I was driving home, I finally let the tears flow. I almost feel I want to have the total emotional breakdown, to let it out, complete with screaming and pounding of the fists. But it is just tears tonight. Mr. G is working overtime, so I came home to an empty house, opened M's memory box, and cried. I haven't done that in a long time. I still feel teary. Wish I could just sob and wail sometimes. That is n't really my style. The good news about tonight is the feeling that baby girl must sense something, she has been kicking up a storm, reassuring me. After my appointment today, I went into the bad place, where I start to be SURE she is going to die. So, this is a good night for her to be active.

I feel like a powerless child. If you made it through all this, all my ranting, all my anger, thank you.

Blue

2007-09-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

Not a good day. Sometimes it just all starts to come down on me. As the weeks go on down this pregnancy road, I don't feel better, I feel worse. I spend so much time checking to see if baby girl is still alive, it is almost sick. Our infant loss support group also offers support for subsequent pregnancies. At the last meeting I attended, I was reminded of this fact, in case I needed people to talk to. I do, I suppose, need the support, but I never reach out for it, because, well, what is there to say? "I'm scared", repeated 400 times? Cause that about sums it up.

I think I am in this funk right now because of my last doctor's appointment. She seems to be more positive than before, because, heck, everything is progressing "as it should be". What a switch, I feel worse, she feels better. My last appointment before I found out M died, was perfect. Nothing was wrong, nothing. Everything looked just right. Fluid, growth, cervix, heartrate. Just right. And he died anyway, just slipped away, when exactly, I don't know.

It also doesn't help that baby girl is not a regular mover. Or maybe I should say, I don't feel her in any regular way. Yesterday was one of the quiet days, and I was jumping out of my skin nearly all day.

I'm exhausted and sad.

Very sad

2007-09-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was heartbroken to read the news about Meg and her sweet daughter tonight. Please keep her and family close in your thoughts. There are no words.....

For my sweet M,

A little girl comes to where you are tonight. Welcome her, show her your daddy's kind heart, which I know you possess. Help wrap her in warmth, while those of us on earth do our best to give warmth to her mommy. Love you, M.
Forever, Mommy

My slightly off topic comments on society

2007-09-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

I probably shouldn't even post this. But I'm going to because it is on my mind.

I can't even watch the news lately. It seems our society is going deeper in the hole. No one, and I mean no one will take responsibility for their actions. Everyone it seems can blame someone else, or is able to say, "But it's not fair I get in trouble because....."

It's not just the news. I work at a place where I am exposed to a number of children and their parents. I see the same thing. No one is teaching their kids to accept responsibility and face the consequences of their actions anymore it seems.

This concept was drilled, literally drilled into my head as a child. Besides being kind, it was probably the value my mother found most important. If my siblings or I got into trouble, it was rarely referred to in those terms, it was referred as facing the consequences of our actions. As we got older, if we chose not to do homework, or stay up late, my mother would not spend a lot of time trying to make us do it. She would remind us we were making a choice, and in the morning at school, we had to face the consequence of that choice. The wrath of the teacher, bad grades (which would come with their own consequence come report card time) and feeling exhausted the next day, which we then were not allowed to use as an excuse for not doing chores after school. Every action we chose, had a reaction.

The news and the children/parents at work at been bugging me for awhile, but I started to think about posting about it after attending our infant loss support group last night. A woman was speaking of the guilt. It was her fault, she didn't do this, she did do this, and so on. I think most of us who are in this boat, know exactly what she was talking about. When I spoke at the meeting, I admitted of all the things in my grief journey I have dealt with, the guilt and the blame are the concepts I haven't made much peace with. I spoke of not feeling M move right, of thinking he was too quiet in the days before we found out. And I did nothing. I didn't call the doctor. Last night was the first time I truly admitted those things. It was my fault. The consequences of this were, M died, and he had already been dead a few days by the time he was born.

Now of course, I know, in a logical sense, it wasn't my fault. But we are talking about feelings here. I probably will never truly forgive myself for not listening to my intuition. In case your wondering how this post connects, it's because last night I started thinking about how I shoulder the blame for something I probably truly could not control, that did not happen because of choices I made, but I can't seem to really accept that as truth. While the rest of the world is responsible for nothing. Maybe my mother's lessons worked too well.

The neighbors part 2

2007-09-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

I was parking my car yesterday, across the street from my apartment. As I did so, I noticed one of my neighbors walking towards her car, which was a ways down the street from our front gate. I didn't feel my usual, dang it, how can I hide baby girl? feelings for three reasons:

1. I actually had several packages with me, and figured they would cover.
2. Because of the angle at which we were walking, she would be at her car down the street, and I would be at the gate, meaning several yards apart.
3. This particular neighbor is the least chatty, barely says hello when you walk right past her, and when she does talk, it is a just above a whisper.

Number 3 is very important because it is the main thought I had when I saw her, and worried about having the dreaded pregnancy conversation. I thought, in my head, "oh, she won't even say hello"

I'm almost at the gate, almost safe inside, my back is to her, when I hear shouting behind me. I turn, almost automatically. It is her, several yards away, shouting, yes shouting! "excuse me! I want to ask you something!"

Oh yes, folks, it is exactly what you are thinking.......

"ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?!?!?"

I panic. My eyes roll around, there is no escape! I am a mouse in one of those cartoon traps! I have no good comeback, my polite/nice girl upbringing takes over once again, I feel weak, I answer!

And though I start to walk away, my answer is followed by a few oldies but goodies. "when are you due?" "boy or girl" all done in high decibel down the sidewalk.

I answer as terse as I can make myself, all the while almost running towards the gate.

Looking back, of course, there are four million others ways I could have handled it, but I was not prepared at all for this, especially from her. And, looking back, this really isn't that big a deal, but I thought it was weird! Whatever happened to manners and tact? I don't shout any conversation down a sidewalk, much less one about something more personal like a woman's pregnancy.

My other point about this is, why does she care? She doesn't even say hello when I walk 6 inches by her! But she gives a damn about my pregnancy/baby? Why is a woman and her pregnancy/baby open season for public discourse?

Now I am trying to think of questions I can shout to her. "WHO WAS THAT GUY YOU HAD OVER LAST NIGHT?" or "HOW WAS YOUR LAST PERIOD? CRAMPY?"

Of course, Mr. G thought I was a wee bit overreacting. He actually had the balls to tell me he thought it was nice that she cared. Yes, this was one of those moments in our marriage, when I think, Who are you? and why don't you know me at all? Oh, my sweet Mr. G, you are so naive. She doesn't really care! That is the point! If she cared, she wouldn't only talk to me when I was pregnant!

I think it is funny how everyone is so open about a woman and her pregnancy, when it was s.e.x. that put her there. I mean, we don't talk openly about our s.e.x. lives. Or do we? And I just don't know because I am a semi-hermit.

Still Hiding

2007-09-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

While I am basically "outed" for this pregnancy, there is a still a group I try to hide it from. My neighbors. I don't know exactly why this is, except that in other cases, like work and the general public, I had no choice. I couldn't hide it forever. With my neighbors, well, it is easy enough to quickly walk to the car, with my purse or other items held in front of me if they happen to be outside.

Is it working? I have no idea. Perhaps a few have noticed, but because I have also avoided any actual conversation besides calling out hello as I continue to walk, I wouldn't know. I don't want to chit chat about baby girl with them. Or hear about how "happy" they are for me. Or answer again "Well, is everything okay?" (which, by the way, is the #1 question I get asked these days. Yes, it is okay, but it was all okay with M too.)

Seeing as we live in an apartment with a shared laundry room, Mr. G has been doing a lot of the laundry lately.

Differences

2007-09-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. G and I are very different. Always have been. That fact has always worked out well for us. He is strong in certain things, I am strong in others, and it compliments well.

I am noticing in this pregnancy, the differences are starting to annoy me. In our grief over M, I respected our differences and was aware that we would not handle everything the same, and I had to accept that. It might be pregnancy hormones, but I am finding difficult to accept that he doesn't want to do everything exactly like me in regards to baby girl.

Example: I talk of "if" baby girl comes home, when the topic of her coming home arises. Now before anyone think I can't think positive, it isn't that. I see it as realistic. I don't say it with negativity or sadness, but with the matter of factness born of the knowledge that not all babies do come home. I focus very much on my happiness of being with her NOW, I don't focus or even talk much about the finish line. But when I do, it's "if".

Mr. G's family has been annoying me because I feel like all they talk about is when baby girl is home. Well, she might not be coming home, remember M? Can we just be happy for right now? And love her now? And cherish her now? All their talk centers on "when baby girl is here...." fill in the blank.

When I mentioned this annoyance to Mr. G, (did not specifically mention his family as the perpetrators) I did so because he joins in this talk, and that annoys me. His response? He likes it, it makes him feel hopeful.

Okay, Okay, I should accept this difference. Well, I am annoyed. Rational? Probably not. I just think everyone should do what I do, and keep me comfortable, okay? Now how big a brat am I in your eyes now?

How much to tell?

2007-08-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

A comment left by Niobe on my last post got me thinking. She asked if my new boss knew my history.

No, not exactly. She knows I had a child die, because she asked if I was pregnant with my first and I gave my stock answer, "no, I had a son who passed away" Most people don't ask for details after that. Some do, but she didn't. So she doesn't know that my son that died related to pregnancy at all. And therefore, can be forgiven for not understanding why I don't want to yet put in my leave for maternity at this time.

But, how much to tell? It is a tough question. In this case, rather than get into my emotional reasons for not wanting to do what she asked, I filled out the leave slip. It just seemed easier. However, in lots of conversations, I do tell more details. Most people at my old work branch knew I lost my son during pregnancy, even though I wasn't at that branch at the time. It came up during conversations, and they got more details.

Being pregnant again, it seems more of an issue. People ask about if you have other children. Yes, but not here with me. Do they need to know more? And in what instances should I say more? At work, it seems appropriate because I will be spending a fair amount of time with these people, and if they know, then they may be more understanding of any at work pregnancy freak outs that may happen. What about strangers? There have already been a few instances where I can tell the stranger speaking to me about my current pregnancy thinks it is odd I am not more excited. And lots of times, I feel the urge to explain why. Other times, I feel exhausted by my history. I don't know you! Go away! Quit making me feel like I need to hand you my medical files!

It might be easy to think I never have to say a word. It isn't easy for me though. I swore I would never not include M, in any way, when talking about my children. I would feel worse if I didn't mention him, avoiding the whole issue altogether. I have to include him, he's my baby.

I also swore after a stillbirth happened to me, that I would talk about it, because I truly believe our silence it what keeps it happening. Keeps money from being spent on research, keeps women alone with their grief. I want to educate, and sometimes education means just putting something out there, something people have never heard about, unless it happened to them.

During a walk around a local park a few weeks ago, I started talking to two women. Of course, we had to talk about my pregnancy. In that talk, my history came out. One of the women told me in return about her multiple miscarriages, and how she was taking a break from trying, and maybe looking into adoption. I hadn't until that moment mentioned my miscarriage, just my loss of M. We then talked about how hard it was, how people didn't understand the heartache, how strong the urge is to have a child. I will probably never see this woman again, but for that one moment, she remembered she wasn't alone in her struggles, and I remembered I wasn't either.

So there are lots of reasons to talk, to tell the whole story. But I can't always figure out when. Sometimes it seems like too much info, you know, the person was just asking how I was! Or in the case of my work, it didn't seem to follow a natural flow of conversation at the time, but then I ended doing something I didn't want to do yet. So, when and how much to tell?

I feel the need to admit something here. As much as I truly want to educate about stillbirth, I have found myself not always using the word "stillbirth". I have faced a lot of ignorance over that term,people don't know what it means. I say, "died at birth" or "died just before birth" even though, that doesn't really accurately describe my personal experience. This issue might be another post. Maybe I am a wee bit of a hypocrite? Mmmm...introspection for the future....

Thank you and other stuff

2007-08-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

I have to thank Monica and Niobe for their advice on some basic blogging. I tried to link to them in my thank you, but got an error message. I am going to go ahead and post this, and work on that skill later.

So for some news from my life. My work has many different branches across the city. At any given time, due to budget issues, you will find yourself working at a different branch. Which means a new boss, new co-workers, and once again having to "talk baby". Yesterday was my first day at my new branch. I did okay, I think. Nobody there seems like the "baby crazy" (you know what I mean) type. It was just basic questions without the squeal of excitment. That I can handle. Sometimes. Later, though, while discussing things with my new boss in her office, she was pressuring me to turn in paperwork for my pregnancy leave. No, not ready to do that. I am a mere 21 weeks. I cannot yet think about "when the baby comes" and start planning my leave time. She kept trying to pin me down, when would I want to start leave, how long, etc. I don't know! I had a lot of plans last time and ended up just taking the standard 6 week time. I am not ready to plan for this. At one point, I dropped into the conversation that I didn't legally have to notify anyone yet. That didn't seem to stop her though. I know why she wants me to do this. It is because at my work we also have substitutes who will come around to any branch who is missing someone and fill in. So in her mind, it makes sense to let the person who schedules the substitutes know about it. But I don't care, I can't go there yet. Can't we wait till October at least? Heck, I am not due till next year, technically.

And it other news, my sister-in -law bought baby girl something. She gave it to Mr. G when I wasn't there, thank goodness. I am not sure I would have been able to keep the "What the hell are you doing?" look out of my face. I know in another post I said I would start buying stuff at 17 weeks, well, I lied, okay? I just can't do it yet. Plus, (here is my excuse) I really need to clean this house up a bit before I start bringing more stuff in here. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Can somebody help me?

2007-08-26T09:21:00.001-07:00

Ummm....okay, I am hanging my head shamefully here....I know nothing about blogging. I need some help. I would really like to link to some of the other wonderful and well written blogs I read, but I don't know how. I pretty much don't know how to do anything on this but post. Any good resources for learning? I know blogger has a help section, but was just wondering what you would suggest for learning the ins and outs. The really sad part is once for a class assignment, we had to post on the teacher's blog, and had to add links and pictures in the post, and I honestly don't remember how!

And just for a quick pregnancy update-my little girl is a stinker! Some days, she moves all day long, off and on, just reassuring her mother, and then she has a day of hours of nothing, which I am sure you understand sends me into panic. At 21 weeks, I know I shouldn't expect much, it is just that when she moves, she moves! So the quiet times (hours) are hard to understand in my stressed mind. Really, she just needs to give her mother a good hard kick every so often, is that so hard?

Self-Esteem and Bitterness

2007-08-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, my mom always told me that people who put others down, or made fun of others, or just spread unkindness, did not feel good about themselves or their lives, and tried to cover this up by bringing others down.

The older I have gotten, the more I see this to be true. The worst part is, I see it in myself. The sense of bitterness and anger at my life is never far away. Sure, it gets tucked away for a time, maybe even weeks, but it comes crawling back out whenever it feels like it.

I can't be around the "perfect" people. You know who I mean, they finished their Ph.D by 26, got married, had 2.5 kids, stayed home for awhile, then decided to start a business doing they something they always loved, which, of course, is extremely sucessful and they also manage to squeeze into their schedule volunteering for some good cause or another.

Now, please, don't comment on how nobody's life is what it seems, everyone has problems, we don't know what struggles have happened behind closed doors, etc. etc. I know all of this. The truth is, it isn't about them. It is about me. What my mother always told me is true. I feel bad about my life, and that manifests itself into bitterness, manifests me into someone I don't want to be.

Here is me: Even though I am a grown up, I still don't know what I want to do "when I grow up". I have held several jobs searching for this answer, struggled to finish school (not done yet!). I don't have a "career", I have a "job". I didn't spend my youth traveling Europe, or expanding my horizons in any other way. I didn't get involved in anything, even hobbies, really. I just lived. Worked, paid bills, spent time with family, my husband, just lived a regular life. I am not old, but not young, though I still get told I am, and what do I have to show for my 20's? Nothing, but a dead son and a miscarriage.

All of those things about me have always been true, but since M died, they bother me. I never knew they bothered me until he died. I think because after M died, that became my ultimate failure. It magnified to me all I hadn't done, all I hadn't accomplished, the worst being that I couldn't even keep my son alive.

That stays with you. Even if you worked with it, tried to work through it, know in your very logical mind you are not to blame. But the whisper of guilt and blame is always there, somewhere.

No one tells you that grief will make you question everything in your life, both before and after.

Being pregnant again doesn't really ease this, at all. Because, as we all know, being pregnant doesn't mean you will succeed at the mother game. I might end up with another failure on my list.

And we are back to my issues with the "perfect" people. I never knew losing a child would make me doubt so much my own sense of self, my own sense of worth, my own sense of success.

I need to whine

2007-08-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, this will be a whiny post.

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. Tired of overanalyzing and overexamining every little thing I do or don't do, in regards to harming the baby. When I say every little thing, I mean it. I stood up too fast, I drank too much K.ool A.id and not enough water today, I am eating too many french fries, I rubbed my eye before washing my hands, I strain too much on the toilet, I let myself get too hot, and shall I go on?

I miss being normal.

So I just needed to complain for a minute.

So I did. Now I will finish with that because I should just be grateful that baby girl is fine and healthy and growing right? Quit thinking about the affect on me. Selfish, selfish. Plus, I don't want to scare anyone who may be reading this contemplating a subsequent pregnancy. Too late, probably, they are seeing how nutty you get and are re-thinking their options.

On that note, and because I really don't want anyone to think I get no enjoyment out of this pregnancy I will share this tidbit. Baby girl kicked me quite hard and with a certain sassiness while I was standing at the sink doing dishes yesterday. Hmmmm....me thinks I have a girl after my own heart, hates housework too! This may be a problem in the teenage years, but now, the thought made me laugh. I take those funny thoughts and laughs where I can get them.

And on my doppler update, I am mainly looking at two brands, b.abycom and b.abybeat. The b.abycom appealed to me becaues of price to purchase and its claim to be made for home use, however, two of the places to purchase had none in stock. So I am also looking at my rental options. The other brands are very expensive to purchase.

The nurse

2007-08-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned, my last appointment was with the nurse/midwife. I see mainly 2 people in this pregnancy, her and the high risk doctor. The nurse/midwife is also in high risk. She works exclusively with the doctors in that department.

I like her, I do, really, but I have come to discover that the doc is in better synch with me.

My appointments with doc:

She may have things she wants to talk about, but they can wait. She does the u/s first, never making me sit and wonder if baby is still alive. After it is on, she tells me it is okay to look.

Her attitude:

She knows I am freaked, wishes she could help me, but realizes she can't, that is just the name of the game for people like me. Tells me the only thing she can do for me is watch close, but no amount of anything will truly ease the stress. Has made reference to other patients of hers in my situation and how she wishes she could just put us to sleep until she had a baby to put into our arms.

I see her view as realistic and she makes me feel normal.

My appointments with the nurse:

After 20 minutes of discussion, we finally turn on the u/s with her cheery, "lets look at the baby!!!!!!" (yes, I need the exclamation points, that is how she talks)

Her attitude:

Happy, excited, tells me to not get too stressed, and to take some time every day to think positive things about the baby.

I can tell myself she means well. Even the positive thing, which usually annoys me to no end, because I can tell myself she just wants me to enjoy some of this pg. and believe me, I want to as well. But, sometimes, she might as well take my nerves and rub them over a cheese shredder for all she grates.

This last appointment not only did I get the "be positive" talk, she told me that some women don't feel better till they pass the point they lost before. Well, she has my chart right in front of her, I have long way to go. And since I was mere weeks from my due date, I seriously doubt I am going to feel so much better when that week passes. I did point out to her I had a long way to go, by the way.

So, yes, she is a perfectly nice woman. I just think we are on different pages here. She has a touch of the thing I have complained about since M died about all medical personnel. I feel as though I still shock them, as though they have never had another patient who has gone through this. I live in a big city, I have a hard time believing this to be true. And one of their responses to that shock and discomfort is to revert to four years old again. Hands over their ears, singing La, La, La, I can't hear you! But I also think the medical community does that because they don't have answers for stillbirth, and therefore, they don't want to talk about it. But that is another post.

Quick update

2007-08-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

First, I just truly want to thank those of you that commented. I would never wish these horrible feelings on anyone, but to hear you guys say, "oh yeah, normal" or "just happened to me" helps a lot. So, thank you.

Baby girl was fine! And the best part was, she kicked while I was watching on the u/s, so some of the feelings I wasn't sure were her, I got to see for sure were, in fact, her.

I am going to talk more about my visit on another post. I just don't have time right now.

Again, thank you, seriously.

I jumped

2007-08-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Off the ledge of anxiety I have been walking, that is. My appointment is Monday, and last night, I just decided I couldn't make it. So I called this morning, told the receptionist I was having way to much anxiety, and could not wait. Was there any way I could come in just for 5 min. to get checked? My normal doctor wasn't in, but her nurse/midwife was. They had an 11 o'clock cancellation, so I took it.

And now, I sit here, crying, because I am so afraid I am going to find out bad news. I just don't feel her move enough! I think I feel her, and then it is a looooooong time, and I can't feel her. I am so, so afraid she is dead.

There is something else, too. One of the things I remember in the week before M died, was having a very sore throat. I remember thinking a cold was going to develop, but it never did, the sore throat just hung around with no other symptoms. On that horrible day, when I found out, I remember mentioning it to the doctor, about my sore throat, before she turned on the ultrasound. I had a sore throat yesterday. No other symptoms of cold or congestion.

It's hard for me to type this out, to admit these feelings out loud. I don't know why exactly, except that I feel a bit "crazy". But the feelings are real and overwhelming. Will I ever stop being totally convinced my baby is dead? It's a really, really shitty way to live, that few people in my real life can understand. I think only my mom and Mr. G don't make me feel like I am going off the deep end when I share these panic feelings. And I hardly share them with Mr. G because I don't want him going off the deep end, he has his own worries.

If I go to the doctor in 2 hours, and everything is fine (Please!) here are some things I am thinking:

1. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Someone professional that is. I have avoided it because I couldn't find someone my insurance covered who specialized in infant loss. The person I saw after M died, well, she was perfectly nice, but I had to explain to her the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth.

2. Maybe I should get an at home doppler. I have avoided that because I was afraid rather than comfort me, it would send me into a tailspin panic if I couldn't find the heartbeat. But having one now, might save me a trip to the docs.

Anyone want to add their 2 cents in, on what doppler brand I should go for?

I feel a mess. A drowning mess. I have struggled with my faith since M died, so who can I beg to see that baby girl is okay?

Feeling bad

2007-08-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been hard for me. I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread, so I guess today isn't looking much better. I am having a hard time accepting that I can't control this pregnancy and make everything come out okay. I want my baby girl to come home with me alive and well so badly, I can't believe I can't just make it happen with sheer willpower.

I have been having bad feelings this week. Like intuition, except I can't trust my intuition anymore. Is there anything valid to it, or is it just my paranoia? Who knows? I sure don't.

There has been a few times this week where I am sure she is dead. I start to actually plan what I would do. I start making lists of things I wish I had done with M that I will make sure to do with her. Then I feel guilty. How can I sit around and plan for my child's death?

I wish I felt her move more. I wish I could just believe that she is alive and coming home. I try to tell myself you don't know anything right now, as far as you know, she is still alive, so, damn you, act as though she is! But it doesn't always work, it doesn't always help ease the sick feeling in my stomach.

I told you I was having bad days.

Sad things I think when I see another pregnant woman

2007-08-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

"She will probably get to have her baby for sure"

Or,

"Gee, I hope she gets her baby"

I guess it depends on my mood that day, which thought I end up having.

Told the in-laws

2007-08-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

Last night we finally took the plunge and told the in-laws. Or, at least, some of the in-laws, they were not all present. I probably don't need to tell you that I regret it this morning. Actually, I regretted it the moment Mr. G opened his mouth.

Where do I begin? I have the obvious and now expected "now the baby will die" feelings. I just hope I can put some of my other feelings into words.

I guess the best way to start is to explain that for the most part, my family tends to strike good balances with me emotionally. They are excited, but also acknowledge my fear, acknowledge that yes, it might happen again. My in-laws tend to skate past the bad or uncomfortable things. When I made a comment that I would be talking to my doctor about not going the entire 40 weeks, they could not understand why. One of them actually said, "what if the baby comes late?" Ummm.......have you people not picked up that I will under almost no circumstances let my baby stay in here longer than I have to? That I would keel over from anxiety if the doctor even suggested that to me? So, after I made that clear, all I heard about was how maybe we would get lucky and have a Xmas baby. M was born just before Xmas. I know, I know, they mean well, they are just excited, I can tell myself all of that. But, please don't do that. Act like a "happy" scenario is the only thing we get to talk about. And we will just "forget" my unhappy scenario.

Did I mention we found out baby is a girl? I am thrilled! As I am sure many of you in my situation know, I would have been thrilled with a boy. At my in-laws, however, they make a much bigger deal out of gender than I ever would, especially now. Then all I heard was talk of it was high time the family got another girl, how she would be daddy's little princess (YUCK! I have some other issues with THAT crap), how their family would be more balanced with another girl...and on and on. Again, I know I sound harsh, but it is probably because I can't describe being there very well. It annoys me that they don't understand, I could give a rats patootie what gender my child is. I lost a baby, people. Do they honestly think I had a preference? My in-laws seem to think I did.

I just looked back over this post and I don't think I am describing my issues well. A lot of it is just because I know my in-laws, I have seen how they behave in the past, and I can complain about a lot of what they do based on this history. Both Mr. G and I brought up M and once referred to baby girl as his sister, so that made me feel better. I just want there to be balance. Just because we are excited about her, doesn't mean we are over him. Make sense? I'm not sure it does to my in-laws.

Support group

2007-08-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

When M first died, Mr. G and I attended a local support group. We went every month. But slowly, we trickled into not every month, and now, the last time we went was March.

Being pregnant again, I really feel like I want to go. There are so many anxieties and feelings that come along with this. My struggle is that the last few times we have gone, I have felt guilty taking up too much time talking with so many new moms there. I always feel I should let the new moms have the time to talk. I remember so well those first months after M died. They were hell. I clung to the support group like a lifeline.

I know that it's okay for me to go talk and take up a reasonable amount of time. Once I'm there though, and see those moms, I just keep thinking how much they probably need it, the way I did.

Crazy

2007-07-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

When I truly think about the some of the thoughts I have, I think I have lost my mind. I truly can't share them with people who have not lost a baby during pregnancy. Even sharing them with people who are in a similiar boat with me is hard. Maybe they will think I am crazy too. And what are these crazy thoughts?

The baby will be dead.

That is the thought that finishes a lot of my thoughts.

Like, Oh as soon as I tell people, the baby will be dead.

As soon as I pick out a name, the baby will be dead.

After I finally read a pregnancy book, the baby will be dead.

My u/s is next week, the baby will be dead.

I hate that I live here, in total negativity. I try to enjoy what I have and be positive, as they say, but I just can't sometimes. Fear and me are best friends. Except, I don't think I like fear anymore, and I want her to move out of my life.

Mr G. recently told me that two of his co-workers wives are pregnant. Of course, being a man, he didn't bother to find out any details whatsoever, so I have no idea when these ladies are due. He has seen both of them, however, and according to him, neither are showing. I could be wrong, but I am just assuming they are not very far along. How I envy that. Never has it occurred to these ladies that anything could go wrong, that being pregnant does not, despite what they tell you, mean that you will end up with a baby at your house. I don't harbor ill feeling towards these ladies. But I can feel my envy at their attitude like a white hot burn on my skin.

Thanks Mom

2007-07-26T06:40:00.001-07:00

My doctor's appoinment this week: Everything is still looking good. I wish I could keep that good feeling for longer than I do.

My mom came with me this time. She had to leave work to do it. I was so glad, because I was very tense this visit. As we were walking down the hallway to check in, my mom asked if I had cash, in order to pay the co-pay. I said, I don't get charged. She was puzzled, we have the same insurance company she knows how it works. I saw her look and said, "I know, I don't get it either, but they have never asked for it. My sick sense of humor thinks, maybe when your baby dies, they give you the next one as a freebie"

My mom laughed. I am so glad she gets my sarcastic sense of humor.

My angry post

2007-07-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling mad today.

I'm angry that:

M isn't here

That M died

That I had a miscarriage

That people don't know what to say to us (how 'bout just Sorry!!!)

That hardly anyone in this world speaks for our babies

That baby death and I think, especially stillbirth are such silent topics in our society.

That we ourselves keep the silence going. (Why? Why don't we talk about it? Is it because women just naturally take it as their "shame"?) *

That when I go down the scrapbook aisle of my local craft store, they don't have anything for dead people.

*I feel the need to add: yes, I talk about M, but I tend to keep my miscarriage a secret of sorts. I don't know why I do this.

Practicing telling others

2007-07-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

I let out that I am pregnant at work today. I decided to do it, even before family, because I thought it would be like practice. I don't have much emotional involvment with people at work, nor they with me.

I am so nervous to tell my family because I feel the need to protect them. I can't stop thinking, what if I tell them, and then the baby dies? I will have to see their broken hearts all over again. I know this doesn't logically make sense. My family would be broken hearted for me anyway, even if they found out the baby died after the fact. My family was so excited about M. And they suffered too, when he died. One of my first emotions on learning that M died, was that I let everyone down. Not just M, but everybody else too. I even remember saying, "I'm sorry" to my husband.

So that, in a nutshell, is why I went ahead and decided to practice on some co-workers. The sad part is, as soon as I said it, I was sorry I did. I kept kicking myself mentally, thinking I just should have waited. This means I have to tell them if the baby dies. Oh G.o.d. How pathetic am I?

The letter

2007-07-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have had strained relations since M died with two of his family members, that we were previously close to. I'll call them A and N. It's hard for me to put into words, but to get down into the nitty gritty of it, the problems arose from them acting like nothing happened. They came and saw me in the hospital, and acted like they were visiting me at my house. I remember wondering why they came at all. Luckily, they didn't stay. That was the first clue. Then, as time went on, they made it worse and worse. I remember seeing them about a week after giving birth, and they expected us to be the same. It was very obvious. At one point, A had to come over to pick something up at our house, and she was so uncomfortable. She literally could not handle being at a house a grief. I remember she brought a friend and that angered me, I was in no condition to see people outside the family at that time. I couldn't believe this person, who we use to be close to, now couldn't see us without the protection of a friend.

So, time went on. About 6 months after M died, I started encouraging my husband to talk to them. This is how I deal. Some things in life you have to face head on, open up the dicussion, and clear the air. Especially with family, because unless you move away, it's pretty hard to avoid them. I felt it was better to let them know how we felt, how hurt we were, in order to have something of a relationship with them. At family gatherings, it was pretty obvious there was strain between the four of us, even though we smiled, hugged and said hello to each other. Better to get it done with, then let that fester, was my opinion. Did this talk ever take place? No. Because how my in laws deal with things is very, very different. They don't talk. They will just let it fester, including my husband. And, it not being my family, and not feeling in control of the situation, I let it go. I just figured we would never have much of a relationship with these two people ever again.

Yesterday, my husband received a letter from N. To sum it up quickly, it basically said she was sorry she wasn't there for us. So, of course, hubby and I had to have a discussion. He said we should try to talk to to them. Okay, but I think we need to clarify our thoughts. What would you say? Why are you angry with them? is what I asked him. I asked this because over time I started to suspect that my reasons for being angry with them varied slightly from his, though we never really sat down and dissected it. He told me he was angry because of all the people he thought would be there for us, he thought they would. That at least they would come talk to us after our loss.

This is where it gets complicated for me. See, my reasons for being angry with them have more to do with general acknowledgement. They acted as if nothing happened. Nothing at all. Tra la la....its another day. And in turn, they never acknowledged M. At all. Ever. In the year and half since he died, I have never once heard them utter his name. Hubby and I have made if very clear, in many ways, that we do talk about M, that he is a part of our family, that he is with us everyday, and that we will spend the rest of our lives keeping his memory alive. On his 1st birthday, we made a card. The card was not sad, it celebrated his memory and the happiness he brought us. Not a word about it. We invited them to a walk in remembrance our support group puts on. Did they come? No, and everyone else in the family did. I told hubby last night, it feels as though I only get to have a relationship with them if I don't make them sad and uncomfortable by mentioning M. Well, no. I will always choose my son over anyone else. I am not saying I'm right, or that my take on the situation is very mature, it is just my feelings. In fact, it feels downright immature to me in some ways, the way it feels like choosing sides.

His take was that they didn't know what to say, so they acknowledged nothing. That I needed to remember that they are a product of his family, and anything emotional they basically don't deal with. I can see that this is true. I was under the impression that the relationship I had created with them, let them overcome that a bit, at least with me. Even if they would have come to me saying they had no idea what to do at all, but at least just talked to me, I could have accepted that. I guess I was wrong about the relationship I thought we had. Plus, I told hubby, sometimes in life you just step up. Especially for the people you care about.

Before you think this is all about me, (too late, right?) the other part that hurts is they are M's family too. If not for me, can you act like you care that he died for him? For the relationship you would have had with him and are now missing out on? Part of what make their behavior so obvious is that there are young children in my in law family. They, these young kids, including some teenagers, the most notoriously selfish age, has shown more interest and care in M than A and N. They have asked to see his pictures, came to the walk, and just in general bring him up sometimes. If I ever have a living child, I know these kids will be comfortable when that child mentions an older brother. Because they think of M as their missing family member too. And that makes A's and N's actions hurt even more.

As the conversation between hubby and I went on, I got in touch with some anger feelings towards him for not trying to take care of this a year ago. Now, he is gung ho to "make up" and meanwhile my anger has gotten worse. I just feel frustrated because I am not sure at this point a talk will do any good. I don't think they have any clue about the acknowledgement issue. N's letter sure didn't indicate that. At one point, she brought up a time when she called us, months after, where she said, if there is anything I can do...Gee, thanks. And how heartfelt is your letter, when you feel the need to mention the ONE call you made? I can't force them to acknowledge their own family member, but for me, that is the big problem. This has made me really see them in a new light, how truly hard they try to avoid the emotional. Its actually sad. I now have seen they will never have anyone truly close to them. How can you in that state? I'm sorry I sound so angry, but, I gave up on them.

I can't help but feel that if the relationship resumes on their terms, it is a betrayal. Again, that is not a mature outlook, but I can't help it. I am overly protective of M in a sense. After our relationship died, I remember having feelings of, well, if I did have a living child, I certainly hope they don't think they are going to get to coo and be happy for me. I felt you take all my children or none. I know, know, how bad does that sound? So childish, yet, those are my feelings, bad or good, right or wrong.

The letter has thrown me. I was so ready to "save" the relationship long ago, but now I feel as though I have just seen an ugly side to them. I don't know that a talk will do any good. I'm not sure what the right thing is. Even in my own blog, I feel I have to defend my feelings. So on that note, lest anyone reading thinks they were not so bad, there were more things that happened that I didn't mention. If you did actually read this long, sad rambling, thank you. I know it is more of a personal vent/diary post, but I really needed to get it off my chest.

2007-07-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hmmm....I can't seem to put a title on this one. The computer won't let me. How weird, yet maybe appropriate, as I also can't seem to pin my thoughts down exactly.

Today is a bad day. I keep going through all the things that could go wrong in my head. I keep thinking about things that are not even my high risk issues. I hate days like this. Of course, I have a doctor's appt. later this afternoon, and my stress level is always high before I go in.

I am going to post some random thoughts.

I told myself I wasn't going to go to any appts. by myself, but the one where I had to bring my mom, I wasn't happy. I can't put my finger on it, because my mom and I are very close and she has been wonderfully supportive since M died. I just didn't feel comfortable with her there.

Today, I am going by myself as Mr. G can't, and my mom is out of town. Yes, I am scared this will be the time the baby's dead.

I have decided that upon hitting 17 weeks, assuming of course, things still look good, I am going to start going crazy and buying this baby stuff. If the baby has lots of stuff, he has to come home to use it, right?

Don't ask me why 17 weeks, as that time has no real significance to me at all, just seemed good.

If that doesn't make any sense to you, well, it doesn't to me either. M had hardly anything even though he only had 4 weeks left. I have asked myself why a million times. Did I know something was going to happen deep in my soul, or was I just too busy at that time?

Did anyone else make huge lifestyle changes because they thought they were going to have a baby at home? I work a different position at work, and live in a neighborhood and apartment I would not have chosen if I had not been pregnant. Those were two big changes I made in preparation for M's arrival. I may not have bought the little lad any clothes, but I gave him his own room and a mommy who would be home more with him.

I already think this baby is a boy, too.

Small things that still hurt

2007-07-06T10:49:00.001-07:00

I went to the beach with Mr. G the other day. He wanted to surf, I wanted to sit and read. On our way down there, he got a phone call from a friend of his and his wife. They were at a friends party, but thinking of heading towards the beach. Hubby and friend made plans to meet up. Which meant I would be sitting on the beach with wife. No problem, we are not really friends, but we get along okay.

As we sat there on the beach together, I was trying to make conversation with wife. I asked how their friend's party was. She started to tell me, including how many children were there. This friend of hubby and his wife are a few years younger than Mr. G and I. She says, "Its weird, the past year or so, it seems like there are just more and more kids everytime we attend something. Everyone is having a kid now."

Ouch. I know she didn't realize. We are not really close enough with this couple for her to realize. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about how M should be there, playing in the sand and water.